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Movie rating system (0-2) The movie is balls (2-4) A few moments but mostly bad (4-5.5) Entertaining film but lacking something to make it good. (6-7.5) A recommendation meaning a good solid watch. (8-10) must watch films, they are usually leaders in their respective genre. I can also be found on Facebook or follow my blog at the bottom of this page. THERE MAY BE MINI SPOILERS AHEAD!!! But there will be no endings/twists/cameos/or large plot reveals given.

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Monday, 15 April 2013

Piranha 3DD

Piranha 3DD
Horror (Thriller, Comedy)
Rated: R
Running Time: 83 minutes
Starring: Danielle Panabaker, Matt Bush, Katrina Bowden, David Koechner, David Hasselhoff, Christopher Llyod, Gary Busey.
Directed By: John Gulager
Rating: 0 out of 10
Man eating prehistoric piranha threaten the lives of some people swimming at an adult themed water park.

My 96 year old grandmother recently told me that she used to love hotdogs. She told me that she loved them so much that she used to swallow them whole. I tell you this for two reasons. The first reason I tell you, is that I should not be the only one that should have to hear that. The second reason I tell you, is so that you can fully appreciate that I am an expert on the term, devastatingly awful. This movie is devastatingly awful. Piranha 3DD is the sequel to 2010’s Piranha.  In the aftermath of the events at Lake Victoria, prehistoric piranhas make their way to a newly opened water park.

So while Alexandre Aja’s 2010 film, Piranha, was not a recommendation from me. It was fun in a schlocky, homage to the 80’s horror sort of way. This film also goes for the so bad it is funny angle, and yet it comes off as it is so bad it is putrid angle. The clever title of this film aside, this movie should be erased from existence, in my mind. If you need an indicator of if you should watch this film or not. Gary Busey and David Hasselfhoff are in it. I will let you proceed as you will from there. This film starts out very much like the first. It sees the introduction of the Piranhas to a lake, which happens to be right beside a newly opened water park. The devastation that these menacing fish wreak is quite evident, as they tear through the local wildlife. From there, the film quickly degenerates into as much nudity and bloody nonsense as one can fit into an 83 minute movie. Why so much nudity you ask? Because the water park is an adult themed water park….of course it is. So as the film continues along, you are treated to missing teenagers, near deaths, and lots of women stripping out of their bikinis. Maddy, a local and a reluctant co owner of the water park, realizes something is wrong as she has a close encounter with the deadly biters. Her pleas of danger, fall on mostly deaf ears as the deadly fish try to find a way into the water park.

It is not even worth my time to mention the acting. I compliment them for being working actors and all, but I feel bad they are reduced to these types of roles. Danielle Panabaker and Katrina Bowden are little more than eye candy in this. Actor David Koechner is as unfunny as always. David Hasselhoff, Christopher Lloyd, and Gary Busey, all just look old and beat down. There is the obvious nerd, the stupid cop, the corrupt water park owner, and any other clich├ęd character you can think of. The acting is as bad as one would expect. On a side note, if you can make it to the end credits, then you will be treated to a mini music video starring the Hoff. (it is easily the best thing about this movie.)

As the film carries along, it follows the exact same formula as the first film. The fish kill at will as they somehow go unnoticed by the general populace. The piranhas are waiting and biding their time for the right moment to strip the skin from every swimmer in the water park. Some of the Oscar worthy things the viewer can expect are, plastic tridents thrown at 300 mph, fish trying to swim up people’s B-holes, motorboat (not the vehicle) decapitations, and private parts being removed. The film is a disaster and it is really insulting to anyone who paid money to see this. In conclusion, this film is not funny, not scary, not interesting, not entertaining, and not worth your time.

Director John Gulager, obviously disappointed me with this film. I actually liked his first movie, Feast, in all its campiness. He tries to recreate that camp but failed miserably in the attempt. There is nothing more to say on this topic other than he has made a movie that is firmly on my top 100 worst list.

I cannot recommend this film as all it does is take a bite out of the actor’s dignity.

T Factor + If you are RABID fan of low grade horror then this could score higher on the rating scale.

T Factor – None

If you liked this film reel recommendations: Frankenfish, Lake Placid

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