Season of the Witch

Season of the Witch

2011
Action
Rated: PG-13
Running Time: 95 Minutes
Starring: Nicolas Cage, Ron Perlman, Christopher Lee
Directed By: Dominic Sena
Rating: 1.5 out of 10

Outline

A small group of men are tasked to bring a girl cross country to stand trial for witch craft.

Review

Just when you think Nicolas Cage movies couldn’t get any worse. He goes and does a movie like this….and totally redeems himself. I am obviously joking this movie was wretched. Season of the Witch takes place during the 14^th century. The Crusades were a turbulent time in humanity’s brief existence. Great things both evil and good were wrought during this time all in the name of Christianity. The elimination of Witches and anything of the occult has always been a hot topic issue for the church and in this film it was no different. The story centers on best friends Behmen (Cage) and Felson (Perlman). They are knights and comrades in arms for the Christian army. They are tasked to take a girl across country to stand trial for supposed witch craft. This film is a confused jumble of different genres. It starts off as an epic with large but albeit crappy battle sequences between two warring armies. It then settles into a period action piece with very little thought to pleasing any sort of action viewer. Lastly it takes on an almost fairytale/monster vibe film with terrible special effects.  No matter where the film was going though it was always bad. The films main focus was the journey across country to deliver the witch. Behmen and Felson and a small group of others have their faith and sanity tested as strange occurrences beleaguer them the whole way.  Random images and strange dreams haunt the group and nature seems insistent on preventing them from finishing their task. All of these things going on plus the plague is running rampant in every town that the group never seems to be afraid of. I found watching this movie more of a trial than anything these people on screen faced. I am guessing what supposedly were to be tense situations, I found were comical instead. The laughter of mine was generated from the terrible acting, to poor plot developments, to lastly suspect computer animation. I kind of liken this film to a blend of the movie Kingdom of Heaven with an episode of television’s Hercules with Kevin Sorbo. Director Dominic Sena and Nicolas Cage have worked together before on Gone in 60 seconds and let us hope this is the last time they collaborate. The best or worst thing though about this film was the dialogue. Cage doesn’t even go for a proper accent for that time period and neither do most of the actors. It is quite funny hearing people speak of Goblins and Ghouls as if they were at your local Starbucks. I shouldn’t be surprised this movie was as bad as it was it just kills me that Cage has won a best actor award after seeing another one of his movies flop. I cannot recommend this movie and although the theme may suggest the existence of witchcraft and magic, it was not magical at all.

T Factor + If you like mindless action films this could score higher on the rating list

T Factor – If you like well thought up characters and dialogue this could score lower on the rating scale.

If you liked this film reel recommendations: Van Helsing, Kingdom of Heaven

Battleship

Battleship                  

2012
Action
Rated: PG-13
Running Time: 131 minutes
Starring: Taylor Kitsch, Brooklyn Decker, Liam Neeson, Rihanna, Alexander Skarsgard
Directed By: Peter Berg
Rating: 2 out of 10

Outline

It is humans versus aliens on the water with the earth’s survival on the line.

Review

I hate having to write this review. Let me correct that, I really, really, hate having to trash a film that Liam Neeson is in. To be fair he only has a small role in this movie to give it some street cred but still. Battleship is based on the board game of the same name and it really sets a new standard in awful film watching. I hope this is not a new trend in making movies based on board games. They are going to be even worse than video game movies and that is hard to do. The movie centers around a fleet of mostly American military ships having to face an arsenal of unknown alien design. That is as deep as this movie gets. I disliked this movie during the opening scene. I hated it by the middle, and simply loathed it by the end.  There is a reason that no A-Lister or even seasoned actor ended up in this film. That reason is this script is terrible. Instead we get virtually unknown actor in Taylor Kitsch playing the lead, Lieutenant Alex Hopper. 2012 has been a banner year for Kitsch. He was the lead in Disney’s John Carter film which is one of the biggest financial flops in cinematic history. He now adds this disaster to his resume and it will be a wonder if he is a lead again for a long time. We are introduced to Lieutenant Alex Hopper and he is the classic disappointment navy guy who just doesn’t fit in. He is constantly late and a general embarrassment to the uniform. He is then thrust in to the forefront where he can shine when the Aliens arrive. He actually does an okay job with the role and action scenes but it was a lost cause from the start. The film makers figured if they threw an estimated 200 million plus dollars into this film that story would not matter. They couldn’t have been more wrong. The film from about half way through is a loud, inexplicable, exploding mess. Usually solid director Peter Berg took a page out of Michael Bay’s playbook and blew up everything. He leaves all thought to dialogue and character development behind and just goes for the massive action scene payoff. The visual effects are good but not amazing for the amount they spent on this film. When the explosions finally stop for a moment the viewer is presented with the widest array of nonsense ever to grace a film. Amputees and old men somehow work their way into the storyline and it is quite strange. As bad as the movie got there are three things I hated more than everything else. The first and it happens in every alien movie is the aliens have the strangest way of fighting. They always have weird quirky fighting techniques that obviously humans figure out in five minutes and exploit. The second thing I hated was they actually play battleship to fight the aliens as a plot development and it was atrocious. The third and easily the worst thing of this movie was singer Rihanna playing Petty Officer Weps. She is so bad she should be called Jar Jar Binks of the seven seas. There are many more problems with this film but really I am sure you get the idea by now. This easily could win worst movie of 2012. I cannot recommend this film as some people might call it A1 I call it a miss.

T Factor + if you like lots of action in your movies then this could score higher on the rating scale.

T Factor – If you need great dialogue in your movies then this could score lower on the rating scale.

If you liked this movie reel recommendations: Battle LA, or Independence Day

Your Highness

Your Highness

2011
Comedy
Rated: R
Running Time: 102 minutes
Starring: James Franco, Danny McBride, Zooey Deschanel, Natalie Portman, Justin Theroux
Directed By: David Gordon Green
Rating: 2 out of 10

Outline

Two unlikely heroes set on a quest to rescue a damsel in distress.

Review

As my eyes stared unblinking at the screen I found my mind wandering during this film. I was wondering what I should eat for dinner. I was wondering who was going to win the NBA championship. Last but not least I was wondering why Hollywood must hate the rest of the world when something like this gets made. Your Highness is a putrid attempt at comedy and easily is on my top ten worst movies list of 2011. This film is a simple tale that seemed to happen quite often during medieval times for some reason. Two brothers, one a courageous knight honored for chivalry and bravery. The other brother is a sad, good for nothing, coasting his way through life. They both need to prove themselves in vastly different ways to gain the respect of their father the King. The too trusting good knight Fabious is played by James Franco. Fabious’s humor comes from his trusting nature and simple outlook on life. The disappointment brother is named Thadeous played by Danny McBride. Thadeous’s humor comes from a potty mouth and dependence on weed. The two unlikely brothers must come together to rescue Fabious’s bride to be Belladonna (Deschanel) from the evil clutches of the wizard Leezar (Theroux). The film quickly degenerates into a stupid sex and drug reference type of movie that will get very little response from any type of viewer. Franco and McBride are usually very funny guys but never seem to get it going in this film. The film stays true to the time period and has the actors speaking with poorly practiced English accents. However there is a twist. The characters curse in nearly every sentence. This is actually a plus for the film and if the dialogue and jokes were stronger then the better this movie could have been. Although the characters and especially Thadeous overdo the swearing it sometimes works. One does not expect to hear swear words bandied about in this era so the odd time it will make you laugh. The film carries on with awkward fight scenes and strange encounters making it literally a struggle to keep going with the story. Unusual characters like a pedophile prophet and guys with no genitalia are thrown into this film with little thought to the outcome. The only positive I found with this film was the Wizard Leezar played by Justin Theroux. I am not sure if he was actually funny or just better than the other dregs in this film. However I wish he was in the film more because he actually made me laugh on occasion. The other supporting players in this film led by Natalie Portman but also included Zooey Deschanel and Damian Lewis were mostly forgettable on screen. It is clear director David Gordon Green likes his movies with sex and more notably drug references but he should clearly tone it down a bit. When the films obvious double entendre title is the funniest thing about it you know this is something not to look forward to. I am going to have to give this movie a big pass as to put in proper speech. Twill be many a fort night ere I see a dung pile as grandiose as this one.

T Factor + If you like stupid obvious drug and sex jokes this could score higher on the rating scale.

T Factor – If you do not find Danny McBride a funny guy this could score lower on the rating scale.

If you liked this film reel recommendations: Pineapple Express, Half Baked

The Stepfather

The Stepfather

2009
Action (Thriller)
Rated: PG-13
Running Time: 101 minutes
Starring: Dylan Walsh, Amber Heard, Sela Ward, Penn Badgley
Directed By: Nelson McCormick
Rating: 3 out of 10

Outline

A perfect family with a perfect Stepfather seems more perfect than it actually is.  

Review

Stepparents have had a notoriously hard time in cinematic history. Usually they are portrayed as wicked, evil, deviant, individuals that disdain their step children. If they are not busy hating the world in the movies than they are usually stricken with some sort of terminal illness. So it won’t surprise you that the stepfather in this movie David Harris (Walsh), doesn’t seem to be as nice as he is coming across. The story center’s around a recently divorced woman Susan Harding (Ward) and her three children. She has found the supposedly perfect man in David Harris and after a 6 month whirlwind romance they are engaged to be married. That is until Susan’s oldest son Michael (Badgley) returns from military school an upsets the status quo. This film with the movie killer rating of PG-13 failed time and time again to frighten or even captivate its audience. Nothing was more disheartening though than the stepfather David Harris, and the performance of that role by Dylan Walsh. His good guy stepfather shtick of nothing is more important than family is delivered in almost a William Shatner like quality. The character will convince no one and it gets stale very quickly. It was a major distraction and makes you think creepy weirdo right away instead of loving stepfather. He also has way too many unexplainable tendencies that no one in their right mind would gloss over.  Like owning huge locked cabinets in the basement and having fears of being photographed. The story also degenerates faster than what can be considered believable. The family is living in sort of this dream world of happiness and bliss for half a year and it fractures in a matter of days. No one questions David’s creepy weird tendencies until the troubled son Michael comes home and that was a little much. The film with very little thought to detail and direction introduced random plot twists and characters to try and drive the thriller aspect but nothing worked. Friends, family, even neighbors for some reason all conspired to bring David Harris and his unknown past into the light. Nothing director Nelson McCormick did could be construed as good film watching. He clearly shows he should stick to directing television because this film was a write off. All I can say that I liked about this film is that it was an easy watch in terms of flow and time length. The acting for the most part was passable when it needed to be but this film had nothing to make it memorable. The Leave it to Beaver vibe transforming into the Domestic Disturbance vibe was painfully boring and obvious. When you could care less about the characters on film then you could care even less when they are being attacked. I cannot recommend this film because it was a mess from start to finish. Also by calling it a thriller insults Michael Jackson’s music video.

T Factor + If you do not need highly suspenseful scenes in your thrillers then this could score higher on the rating scale.

T Factor – If you need strong character development in your movies than this could score lower on the rating scale.

If you liked this film reel recommendations: Psycho, Domestic Disturbance.

Fright Night

Fright Night

2011
Action (Horror)
Rated: R
Running Time: 106 minutes
Starring: Anton Yelchin, Colin Farrell, Toni Colette, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Imogen Poots, David Tennant
Directed By: Craig Gillespie
Rating: 3 out of 10

Outline

After people start going missing in Charley’s hometown, He must face the awkward truth his neighbor may be a vampire.

Review

Fright Night is a remake of the cult vampire movie of the same name from the 1980’s. I can say with strong conviction it should have stayed in that decade. Now I am going to stop any supporters of campy films out there right now. I am going to do that by saying I know this was supposed to be campy but it even failed in that regard. In Hollywood’s race to remake every movie be it amazing or crap, this movie was a front runner for one major reason. If you guessed Vampires popularity at the moment was the reason then you are correct. It was very clear early on that this film was not going to get a passing grade. I am not sure why this film bothered me so much. It could have been the cheesy teenage vibe coming off of it. It might have been the terrible casting. It could have been the misplaced humor. Whatever the reason though it boils down to simply this was not a good film. The film centers around young Charley Brewster played by the usually reliable Anton Yelchin. I am not going to say Yelchin was bad in this film more so the role was so poor he never had a chance. Charley lives with his mother (Collette) in the transient state of Las Vegas. People come and go in this town and because the lifestyle is so chaotic there, no one knows and even cares why they leave. Brewster is a former nerd who has a popularity shift when he starts dating the popular girl Amy (Poots yes that really is her last name). He is living the good life until a man moves in next door named Jerry (Ferrell). This is the entire movie. It Is Charley bumbling his way through the myriad of steps to try and discover if Jerry is actually a vampire and how to deal with him. I understand what the writers were trying to do with Charley’s character. They were trying to make him into the unlikeliest of heroes that worked so well in other movies like Kick Ass and Zombieland. They failed where the others worked because the dialogue was so poorly scripted. It was an actual struggle to make it through this film. I cared less than nothing for the characters and they did nothing to rectify that. The film dragged from one miserable scene to the next never knowing what the audience wanted. Two things stood out the most for me in their awfulness. The first was Charley’s former friend Ed played by his 15 minutes are up actor Christopher Mintz-Plasse. He basically ruins movies at this point he is so awkward on screen. He fumbled his way through this movie and was a major detractor. The second major flaw was Vampire expert Peter Vincent (Tennant). While Tennant actually did a good job with the role, the role itself was strangely placed in the movie. He is this eccentric rich guy who collects vampire stories and weapons and such and I just didn’t understand why they went with this part. Anyways the terrible blending of cartoonish style action, very simplistic humor, and unbelievable characters was not only out of place but out of its time. Director Craig Gillespie stayed too close to the 1980’s original campy feel and it failed to pay off. This type of film is like Indiana Jones and should have stayed in the eighties and nineties where it belongs. One last thing I am pretty sure Toni Collette is a vampire because she hasn’t aged a day since playing Wendy Torrance in the Shining. I strongly recommend you skip this movie as Fright Night will make you want to drive a stake into your own heart.

T Factor + If you like campy films this could score higher on the rating scale.

T Factor – If you like your vampire movies scary or suspenseful this could score lower on the rating scale.

f you liked this film reel recommendations: Cursed, or Kick Ass

Drive

Drive

2011
Action
Rated: R
Running Time: 100 minutes
Starring: Ryan Gosling, Carey Mulligan, Albert Brooks, Ron Perlman, Bryan Cranston,Christina Hendricks
Directed By: Nicolas Winding Refn
Rating: 7.5 out of 10

Outline

A professional getaway driver needs to protect his own when things don’t go as intended on a job.

Review

If I had a nickel for every time I have been mistaken for Ryan Gosling these days I could retire. 2011 was a banner year for actor Ryan Gosling. He has starred in the political thriller The Ides of March. Then he played a lady’s man in Crazy, Stupid, Love. Finally as a stunt/getaway driver in this film. All of the movies are completely different roles and genres but all of them are solid watches. To simplify this review the movie Drive is just awesome from start to finish. The movie focuses on the character named Driver played brilliantly by Ryan Gosling. Following the life of this quiet and focused man is a treat. Driver is one of the coolest characters in recent memory. It is strange to say that of Gosling after seeing him in such things as Young Hercules and Breaker High but it is true. Driver is a throwback character with a scorpion jacket, leather driving gloves, and toothpick. He looks like he could have been in the Greaser’s posse from the Outsiders but it is look I wouldn’t change one thing about. He is a man who loves his cars. He is a stunt driver in movies, a mechanic, and a getaway driver for various illegal heists. No matter what he is doing though Driver is one cool cat. The film offers glimpses into all the various aspects of Driver’s life and he seems to excel in all of them. Little known Director Nicolas Winding Refn uses a multitude of techniques to get this story across. He has combined cool camera angles with an almost 1980’s musical score to dazzling effect. People always say in the movie industry less is more and that is how it is with this movie. Driver rarely talks but when he does you seem to eat up every word. When you make your living by doing illegal things it usually catches up with you. So what starts off as a more of a dramatic film, takes on a more sinister revenge action film midway through. Director Refn uses techniques of an almost David Cronenberg quality with his jarring and abrupt action sequences. When people are dying they are dying hard. In a movie that seems so calm at first gathers momentum into a frenzied tale of blood and mayhem. Through all the carnage Driver holds the film together with his calming and never wavering presence. The supporting cast is solid with Albert Brooks playing a mob boss as the most notable. But really when you boil it down this film is all about Driver. There are great car chase scenes that are well filmed and have excellent sound quality. To intense bloody scenes of violence, be it with hammer, knife, or gun this film is all held together by Gosling. Now for all the praise I heap on this film there are a couple of things that the viewer should be warned about. The action while very real can get a little over the top and be unsettling for some in parts. Also the very fact this film is told through more visual context and less dialogue may also bother some people. For me though they were positives. So all in all I give this movie a big recommendation for its great characters and seamless blend of musical score and character interaction. This film is proof that it is not a question of will Gosling win an Oscar but when.

T Factor + If you like David Cronenberg films this may score higher on the rating scale.

T Factor – If you do not like intense graphic action this could score lower on the rating scale.

If you liked this film reel recommendations: Eastern Promises, History of Violence.