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Movie rating system (0-2) The movie is balls (2-4) A few moments but mostly bad (4-5.5) Entertaining film but lacking something to make it good. (6-7.5) A recommendation meaning a good solid watch. (8-10) must watch films, they are usually leaders in their respective genre. I can also be found on Facebook or follow my blog at the bottom of this page. THERE MAY BE MINI SPOILERS AHEAD!!! But there will be no endings/twists/cameos/or large plot reveals given.

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Saturday, 21 December 2013

Movie 43

Movie 43
Rated: R
Running Time: 94 minutes
Starring: Dennis Quaid, Greg Kinnear, Common, Will Sasso, Seth McFarlane, Hugh Jackman, Kate Winslet, Live Schreiber, Naomi Watts, Anna Farris, Chris Pratt, J.B. Smoove, Kieran Culkin, Emma Stone, Richard Gere, Kate Bosworth, Jack McBrayer, Justin Long, Jason Sudeikis, Uma Thurman, Bobby Cannavale, Aasif Mandvi, Kristen Bell, Leslie Bibb, Katrina Bowden, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Chloe Grace Moretz, Patrick Warburton, Gerard Butler, Seann William Scott, Johnny Knoxville, Halle Berry, Stephan Merchant, Terrence Howard, Elizabeth Banks, Josh Duhamel,  
Directed By: Multiple
Rating: 0 out of 10
A movie producer pitches a host of ideas to a big wig executive in a last ditch effort to save his career.

My 97 year old grandmother is slightly racist and has partial dementia, and she says things that I would consider funnier and less awkward than what happens in this film. Movie 43 is the story of a down on his luck Hollywood producer. He is pitching a series of movie ideas to a Hollywood executive in the hopes of resurrecting his stalled career.

I was looking forward to watching this film for a long time. The trailer for this movie is arguably the funniest trailer that I have ever seen. You should just YouTube that trailer now, and save yourself from the self inflicted gunshot wound that is this movie. The film starts out and we are introduced to a disheveled looking producer, peddling his grade 2 movie ideas. He is clearly deranged from the first movie pitch. Seeing Hugh Jackman with a pair of testicles on his throat is all you need to know about the quality of humor. The film is just is an odd assortment of the lowest form of humor ever conceived. Not only is the script trolling the bottom of a dirty toilet for its jokes. It relentlessly beats the viewer over the head with them. A girl gets her period for the first time, so let’s make unfunny jokes about it for the next ten minutes. A guy is strangely home schooled by his overbearing parents, so let’s make awkward incest jokes about it for the next ten minutes. A naked female music player mangles guy’s junks, so let’s make inane sexual jokes about it for the next ten minutes. And so on and so on. It is not the crass humor that bothers me. It is more the lack of subtly in its presentation.

Look at this cast and tell me how this could have gone so wrong? I am not going to fault any of the actors/actresses that show up in this movie. They are clearly attempting to appeal to new audiences by trying a genre that is outside of their normal comfort level. Unfortunately, this movie is so bad they will all look back at this with some modicum of regret. Most actors/actresses lament their earlier work as they are just looking for a paying gig. Anyone involved with project can now look back and say without a shadow of a doubt that this is the worst thing on their resume.

As the film carries on it is obvious that it has no clear direction. It just bounces from one abysmal movie pitch to the next. It is an insult to the viewer that they have to sit through so many terrible scenes. I could talk all day about how bad this film is but I will leave you with this thought. I would rather get another kidney stone. I would rather watch Nicolas Cage do Shakespeare. I would rather watch Lizz Winstead do standup comedy. I would rather my nephew break my favorite Star Wars Figure than have to watch this movie again. Toilet humor can work if done right, but this material clogged the toilet.

 As for the directors, it is like all of them got together, smoked peyote, and then asked Andy Dick to write a film for them. Then they filmed it.

I obviously cannot recommend this movie. It is easily one of the worst of 2013.

T Factor + None

T Factor – None

If you liked this film reel recommendations: Scary Movie 3-5, Date Movie.

The World's End

The World’s End
Comedy (Alien, Action, Sci-Fi)
Rating: R
Running Time: 109 minutes
Starring: Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Martin Freeman, Pierce Brosnan, David Bradley, Rosamund Pike
Directed By: Edgar Wright
Rating: 5 out of 10
A group of guy out on a pub crawl must save the world from an unknown invader.

12 pints at 12 pubs…..Kiefer Sutherland and I call that Sunday brunch! The World’s End is the story of 5 college friends that have grown apart. 20 years have passed, and they have reunited to try and finish a legendary pub crawl which they had attempted in their youth. 1 pint at 12 different pubs is the goal, but in the process they become humanities unlikeliest chance at survival.

It is too bad they couldn’t have taken the first half of this movie and then put it together with the end of Hot Fuzz. That would have been a truly funny film. Alas, we have a film that starts off great and then spirals out of control about midway through. The opening scene introduces us to the 5 college friends attempting the epic pub crawl. It is a valiant effort but it just wasn’t meant to be. Fast forward 20 years, and the group has grown up and grown apart, except for Gary King. Gary is a man drifting through life, and is stuck in the memories of his happiest moments (which are at college with his buddies.) He decides to round up his old buddies, and head back to the little college town to retry the epic pub crawl. The only problem is that his friends are career men now, with wives and families. There is humor to be found as Gary gets the old crew together. Gary sweet talks, bribes, intimidates, and ultimately bullies his friends into completing this drinking quest. Seeing these unassuming men, being led by a homeless looking Peter Pan is hilarious. Many laughs are to be had as they travel down memory lane together. Gary has the same car, same music, same stories, and same lack of ambition. He is going to complete this pub crawl at all costs though, and nothing on this Earth is going to stop him….

Gary King is played by the always hilarious Simon Pegg. With his black garb and greasy black hair, Pegg guides this sociopathic character into some truly hilarious situations. I have heard grumblings that people hated Pegg in this role, but I think he was awesome and carried the film almost single handedly at times. He is fast talking and charming in an immature type of way. His friends are played by Nick Frost, Martin Freeman, Paddy Considine, and Eddie Marsan. These four all add something to the film but are mostly supporting Pegg as he goes off on one of his many epic tirades.

As the film progresses and the 5 friends bounce from pub to pub, something curious starts to happen. The townsfolk’s stares seem to linger a little too long. The townsfolk conversations seem to be just a little too quiet. And the townsfolk seem to pay a little too much attention to what the 5 friends are doing. What should be a night of crazy drinking becomes one of survival instead. You see, the townsfolk are not what they seem and are not going to let the friends leave. For the second half of the film, the 5 friends must brawl their way from pub to pub. They kick and punch, and they run and they drink. They kick and punch, and they run and they drink. They kick and punch, and they run and they drink. They kick and punch, and they run and they drink. It gets so repetitive that it is hard to sit through. The fight scenes are actually pretty great and comical in this, but they rely on it too much for the laughs. As the film comes to an end, it is clear that the writers (Pegg and Wright) had no way to finish it and just said frak it. So not only is the ending intolerable, it is also stupidly unfunny. In conclusion, this film is much like a crazy drinking binge. You are energetic and happy at the beginning. In the middle you are laughing, giddy, and wondering where you will end up next. And the ending is a jumble of half remembered images and regrets that you should have quit while you were on top. This is an entertaining and yet disappointing way to end the Cornetto trilogy. Will the 5 guys survive and save the world from an otherworldly menace? Watch and find out.

Director Edgar Wright knows his audience. Therefore, I really cannot critique him for this movie. His fans will ultimately love this movie as he uses lots of references from his other films (Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz) He also gets top marks for the fight scenes as they are very well done. They are high impact as well as humorous, which is hard to do. Ultimately, I would have liked a more consistent and original finished product from him though.

I cannot give this movie a recommendation. Although The Worlds End is the final destination for this franchise, my heart will always remain in the Winchester!

T Factor + If you like the comedic duo of Frost and Pegg then this could score higher on the rating scale.

T Factor – If you are looking for the earlier comedic magic that is captured in Shaun of the Dead then this could score lower on the rating scale.

If you liked this film reel recommendations: The Watch, This is the End.

Friday, 20 December 2013

The Conjuring

The Conjuring
Rated: R
Running Time: 112 minutes
Starring: Patrick Wilson, Vera Farmiga, Lili Taylor, Ron Livingston
Directed By: James Wan
Rating: 7.5 out of 10
A family hires two paranormal investigators after some strange occurrences take place in their quiet farmhouse.

(See picture below) Who the frak would own a doll like this? Seriously, this is the scariest looking doll of all time!

The Conjuring is the story about Frank and Lorraine Warren. They are paranormal investigators that help people with supernatural problems. Taking place in the 1970’s, The Warrens are about to take on their most difficult case yet. The Perron family has been tormented by a sinister presence in their farmhouse and requires the Warren’s aid to stop the supposed haunting.

The film starts off with a fantastic opening scene where two girls are tormented by the above mentioned doll. The brief opener puts the viewer on edge, as the paranormal activity is entirely suspenseful and extremely abrupt. This creation of nervous tension never leaves the viewer for the whole film (which is obviously a good thing.) The opening moments also offers a glimpse into what the Warren’s work is all about. They are there to primarily debunk any hauntings, and if so needed, to offer assistance to people who legitimately need their help. The Warrens lead an interesting but happy life as they battle the evils of the world. That is all about to change when they are introduced to the Perron family. The Perrons are a down on their luck family trying to survive an economic downturn. They have recently moved into a fixer-upper farmhouse on a picturesque tract of land. The two parents and five daughters settle into their new house with thoughts of new beginnings on their minds, but the house has other ideas. The first half of the film sees the Perron family bombarded with strange happenings and unexplainable events. Random noises, awful smells, and malfunctioning electronics seem to invade their lives at every turn. This film seems to throw something scary at the viewer with alarming frequency (which I normally hate) but the film is so creepy that it works. The Perrons pass off the early events as new house growing pains, but when their dog starts to freak out over nothing, unexplained bruises appear on their bodies, and random items fall from the walls, they decide they need help (enter the Warrens.)

This film has a veteran cast and they work well together in their respective roles. The Perrons are played by Lili Taylor and Ron Livingston. I have been critical of these two in the past, but they are solid as blue collar parents trying to make ends meet. They are skeptics of the occult and yet seek help when things spiral out of control. The two of them work in this film because they don’t try and do too much with their characters. Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga play the Warrens. Wilson is solid if unremarkable as the fearless paranormal investigator. He adds stability to the chaotic situations through his calming demeanor. Farmiga is not only beautiful, but she turns in the best performance of this film. She will win the viewer over with her powerful performance/emotions as a self professed clairvoyant. Farmiga and Wilson seem so at ease with each other as they ghost hunt, 1970’s style! The only weak performance in this is turned in by the youngest Perron daughter played by Kyla Deaver. Deaver’s awful dialogue and robotic delivery will definitely take the viewer out of the scare mode at times. She is young though, so it is hard to pick on her.

As the movie carries on, it will prove to the viewer that if you look into the darkness long enough, there are sometimes evil things lurking there. The Warren’s presence in the house has escalated the hatred, and they have a limited time to root out the evil residing there. The Perrons are at their wits end as the entity tries to tear the family apart. There is no rest for this poor family as they are assaulted when they sleep, they are assaulted when they play, and they are assaulted when they are most vulnerable. Discovering the reason behind the evilness of the house only adds to the enjoyment of a truly chilling movie experience. As the film comes to its tumultuous ending, one cannot help but get shivers down their spine. In conclusion, this is one of the best horror films of 2013. Right from the opening moments, this film will scare the viewer with loud noises and creepy imagery. The relentless frights will keep you on edge as nowhere can be considered a safe place. This film has ghostly happenings, exorcism elements, scary old toys, and a creepy old house. All of these things are working in a cacophony of terror to delight the viewer. The only negative is the lack of blood and some cheesy supporting characters (see the police officer) but truly this film was great. Will the Warrens be able to save the Perron family? Watch to find out.

Director James Wan has been hit or miss with me but this is definitely his best film since the original Saw move. The farmhouse is a great locale for evil doings, and the tried and tested cast gets maximum results. His camera work is superb as he makes the viewer experiences a lot of situations from the characters point of view. He makes the viewer fear to look under the bed and behind closed doors, and that is not an easy thing to do. It will be a long time before I play hide and seek with my nephews after watching this film.

I give this movie a big recommendation especially to people who don’t need blood and gore in their horror.

T Factor + If you like the paranormal activity genre then this could score higher on the rating scale.

T Factor – If you like gore in your horror films then this could score lower on the rating scale.

If you liked this film reel recommendations: Sinister, Insidious.

Wednesday, 2 October 2013


Rated: PG-13
Running Time: 130 minutes
Starring: Matthew McConaughey, Sam Shepard, Reese Witherspoon, Michael Shannon, Tye Sheridan, Jacob Lofland, Ray McKinnon, Sarah Paulson
Directed By: Jeff Nichols
Rating: 7 out of 10
Two kids find an abandoned boat and a strange man in the woods.

Note to all kids out there, if you find random things in the woods, just turn the other way because weird shit is about to go down. Mud is the story of two rural kids (Ellis and Neckbone.) They discover an abandoned boat in the deep woods and claim it for themselves. The boat seems like found treasure until they realize the boat is not as abandoned as they think. A mystery man (named Mud), who is living in the woods, is the other claimant of the boat and he is willing to give up his claim…..for a price.

There are so many things to like about this movie I am not sure where to start. It is a coming of age story, it is a mystery, it is a love story, and it is well crafted drama. It also has elements of family dysfunction, revenge, and moral issues. Normally I hate these types of films that go for too many themes, as they always come off as sloppy and disjointed. Mud is neither of those things. The film starts out and we see the two best friends, Ellis and Neckbone, living the life of young teens in rural/small town Arkansas. They are often left to their own devices, and they get to explore the world as they see fit. In one of their adventures, they come across an abandoned boat on a deserted island, or so it would seem.  A man (Mud) inhabits the island and he claims that the boat is his. Instantly, the viewer is hooked by this scenario. No one should be living on this island, but here this stranger is. The kids are hesitant to talk to Mud as he puts the strange in stranger. There is something intriguing about Mud though, and it is easy to believe that he can charm two kids into helping him out. Mud is shady and yet he is interesting. He seems simple and yet he tells fantastic tales. He is homeless and yet he is confident and proud. They strike a deal for ownership of the boat, but it entails that Ellis and Neckbone complete some errands for Mud before that transaction is complete. The first half of this film is replete with budding friendships, interesting characters, and strange interactions.

The acting in this is fantastic right across the board. Ellis is played by Tye Sheridan and Neckbone is played Jacob Lofland. The two best friends have an easy relationship that reminded me of the kids from Stand by Me. They are more mature then they should be at 14 and yet they seem like little kids at other times. They go about their lives (and errands) as if a camera wasn’t even on them. They get into fights, they talks to girls, they go into places they shouldn’t. Believable lifelong friendships are hard to pull off in a 2 hour time span, Sheridan and Lofland had no trouble convincing me. Mud was played by the completely reinvented Matthew McConaughey, and he was perfect. I can’t think of anyone who has turned a career around like this cat has. I hated him with a passion until his last few films. He was always so smarmy and one dimensional. But, with films like Killer Joe, Bernie, The Lincoln Lawyer, and now Mud, McConaughey could have an Oscar on his resume in the near future. Mud is a character that is all over the map. With his crooked teeth and his slight lisp, he wins the viewer over with tales of romance and the wide world. His past and present are a mystery, but he treats the two kids with respect and treats them as adults. The three of them form an odd friendship that will define the rest of their lives. Michael Shannon and Sam Shepard have brief appearances, but make great additions to the story.

As the film carries on it is clear that some of these errands are going to get the boys into trouble. As the days pass, Mud’s past starts to come to light and the kids have to make some tough decisions on what to do next. Ellis has to balance a struggling home life, a budding romance, and his conscience. The film is many things, but I was captivated the most by these two young kids as they traverse a very violent and often times cruel world. In Conclusion, this film will not be for everyone as it is very slow. But if you are a fan of a well crafted drama, great acting, and a boatload of interesting characters, then Mud is a sure fire hit.

I was unfamiliar with Director and writer Jeff Nichols work, but I will be paying attention to his stuff in the future. He seems to be able to combine a whirlwind of themes and harness the chaos it causes. When Mud is on the screen, you are wondering what his story is. When the kids are on the screen, you are wondering what sort of trouble they are going to get into next. Small towns sometimes have huge secrets, and it is neat to see two young kids at the center of the storm. Great work Mr. Nichols; this film has both character and soul.

I give this movie a recommendation and if you are wondering, McConaughey does take his shirt off in this.

T Factor + If you like the drama genre then this could score higher on the rating scale.

T Factor – If you do not like Matthew McConaughey as an actor then this could score lower on the rating scale.

If you liked this film reel recommendations: Stand by Me, Undertow

Tuesday, 1 October 2013

Scary Movie 5

Scary Movie 5
Comedy (Spoof)
Rated: PG-13
Running Time: 86 minutes
Starring: Ashley Tisdale , Simon Rex
Directed By: Malcolm D. Lee
Rating: 0 out of 10
Following the Sanders family, this is a movie spoofing the current horror films.

Have you ever stepped in dog crap before? Have you ever been hit in the junk with a hockey puck? Have you ever had to pass a kidney stone? Have you ever stepped on a pin with your bare foot? Did you see the movie The Tree of Life in theatre? I have done all of these things at one point in my life, and I can honestly say they were all more enjoyable than this movie. Scary Movie 5 is the story about the Sanders. They start to experience some paranormal activity after bringing their two young nieces into their house. They need to get to the bottom of this activity before it tears their family apart.

It took exactly 30 seconds to realize that this movie was going to follow in the same pitiful footsteps of Scary Movie 3, and 4. An opening scene where Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan have sex while Yakety Sax plays in the background, is not only painfully stupid, it somehow insults the memory of Benny Hill at the same time. Trust me when I say that this movie never gets any better. This movie follows the storylines of Paranormal Activity, Mama, and Black Swan. It also throws in many references from films like The Evil Dead, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, and Sinister (and many others.) No matter what film they were spoofing, it failed miserably. The Sanders are just a regular couple going through some personal issues. They have agreed to look after their little nieces who were found living in the woods. Shortly after moving the kids in, the Sanders are inundated with creepy sounds and objects that move on their own accord. While most films take a slow progression up to the stupid poop and slapstick humor, Scary Movie 5 repeatedly slaps the viewer in the face with unfunny material from the get go. Someone out there thought that if you mashed enough jokes about having sex with animals, awkward racial stereotypes, and people getting hit in the head that it would make for a good comedy, they were wrong.

Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, Snoop Dogg, Simon Rex, Molly Shannon, Katt Williams, and Heather Locklear. This cast is so bad that it wouldn’t even be asked to do an episode of Hollywood Squares. I won’t waste my time speaking about the acting as I am sure you understand by now how I feel about this movie. The only positive is Ashley Tisdale is easy to watch even if she isn’t remotely funny. Lastly, Jerry O’Connell is in this, and he looks like he is coming off a 2 year coke binge as he is unrecognizable. Trip McNeely looks sickly.  

I have a confession to make; this film was so bad that I had to watch it in three parts. I would tire of the stupidity and go play some Diablo 3 to ease the pain. As I came back and restarted from where I left off, it just reaffirmed my hatred for it. The Sanders realize that they must confront the evil in their house before being destroyed by it. It is in this confrontation that the exact opposite of humor can be found. There are putrid scenes of an intelligent ape confronting the evil entity from Mama. There are stupid scenes about the lesbian love scene from Black Swan. There are inane scenes about the book reading from The Evil Dead. The writers also seemed to think by simply referencing another film that it would make for good comedy, they were wrong. In conclusion, this movie just made me sad. It made me sad that I wasted my life watching it. It made me sad that there are people out there that obviously find these movies funny. It made me sad for the actors that they have fallen so low. Finally, it made me sad to know that Scary 6 will eventually happen.

Director Malcolm D. Lee will get a pass from my criticism as this script allows for zero comedy. He took a broken franchise, threw in some broken actors, and guided this film to a profit. So I guess he earned his paycheck. You should have made Undercover Brother 2 and stayed away from this mess, Mr. Lee.

I cannot recommend this movie. PLEASE DO NOT WATCH THIS.

T Factor + None

T Factor – None

If you liked this film reel recommendations: Superhero Movie, Disaster Movie.  

Monday, 23 September 2013

Star Wars Characters


I have long wanted to do a Star Wars post, but it always got pushed to the back burner. Now that I have a free second to write, I figured I would do a Top 10 Star Wars list. When Disney bought the Star Wars rights late last year, I was stoked to find out that they were doing movies 7, 8, and 9 in the story arc. Star Wars was a huge part of my childhood and although the new ones didn’t amaze me, I never the less was entertained by them, and I also loved the nostalgia that they invoked. When I heard J.J. Abrams was set to direct the new ones, I was downright giddy. You see, I am a rare Star Wars/Star Trek crossover fan. I guess you can call me a surly Nausicaan Nerf Herder. I am not angry that Abrams is bringing his vision to Star Wars as his Star Trek reboots have been great. Although, the lightsaber scenes are going to have so many lens flares!  With the announcement of movies 7, 8, and 9, there came another announcement of two standalone films. The films would be separate origin stories of Han Solo and Boba Fett. Were these the right two characters to start with? Absolutely they are! It got me thinking about other characters that should get their own film. Keep in mind that I have never read the Star Wars books, so I am going on their movie characters alone. So make yourself a Tatooine Sunburn, sit back and enjoy a list that I hope comes to fruition.




10. Kit Fisto

Kit Fisto had little screen time and yet it was enough to intrigue me. He was part of the Jedi High Council and is an imposing figure. His signature grin lets the viewer know he loves to battle evil. Although he was chopped down in his prime by Darth Sidious, I can’t help but feel there is a rich origin story to be told about him.

9. Greedo

Greedo was the bounty hunter that Han Solo kills like a boss in the Cantina bar on Mos Eisley. It has sparked many debates of whether Han shot first. There is something about the ineptitude of the Greedo character that captured my interest. He is a trained killer and yet misses a point blank shot at Han. There must be a fascinating origin story about this green bounty hunter, and I want to see it.

8. Lando Calrissian

The Baron Administrator of Cloud city has led an interesting life. He gambles, smuggles, and to quasi quote Kanye West, Lando’s life is dope, and he does dope shit! Lando even owned the Millennium Falcon at one point but lost it to Han Solo while gambling. I want to see the origin of this man with such questionable morals. I hope he drinks Colt 45 in the film as well.

7. Yoda

Yoda is simply the most pimp character in the Star Wars universe. He stands 66 centimeters tall and yet is a giant amongst the Jedi. He is a master at nearly everything when it comes to the force and is virtually unrivalled in lightsaber battles. With 900 years of life, Star Wars fans deserve a trilogy to one of the most iconic figures in cinematic history. “Do or do not, There is no try.” – Yoda.

6. Darth Maul

Darth Maul was the Sith badass with the dual lightsabers in the Phantom Menace. He was awesome in the sense that he was a new bad guy for the legion of Star Wars nerds. The lightsaber battle scene between Obi-Wan Kenobi, Qui-Gon Jinn, and Darth Maul was arguably one of the best scenes from the prequels. He was a man of few words, but anyone that can kill Qui-Gon Jinn deserves an origin movie.

5. Chewbacca

Chewbacca is one of the greatest wingmen in the history of wingmen. He rides shotgun to Han Solo on the Millennium Falcon, and roars his way through the movies 4, 5, and 6. His strength is prodigious and his loyalty is even more so. You understood nothing he said which leads to wanting to know more about what makes this Wookie tick. Nerdy fun fact: Chewbacca is from the planet Kashyyyk.

4. Obi-Wan Kenobi

While Obi-Wan has had plenty of screen time already, he is such an awesome character that I want more. They could go two routes with the Obi-Wan character. They could do an origin story of his younger years. Or they could do the story of his life as a hermit on Tatooine. He fought Darth Maul, he fought Count Dooku, he fought Jango Fett, he fought General Grievous, and he fought Anakin Skywalker. This guy is the godfather of Jedi and deserves some more screen time.

3. General Grievous

Grievous might have been my favorite character from the new movies. When he opens his cloak and pulls out four lightsabers to fight Obi-Wan, I was in awe. I wanted to know more about a dude that could kill so many Jedi. There is no shame in losing to Obi-Wan in an epic battle, but it is a shame we don’t know more about this great villain.

2. Count Dooku

Holy shit, Saruman is in the Star Wars universe. Grey bearded and confident, Count Dooku owns the screen with his bravado and strong will. He is a former Jedi that has turned to the Dark Side. I want to know what caused the man to lose faith. I want to know what went on when Yoda trained Dooku in the way of the Jedi arts. A man that can survive a fight with Yoda deserves some back story.

1.Qui-Gon Jinn

I love Liam Neeson and he owned the Qui-Gon role. One of the biggest positives of the Phantom Menace was Neeson’s performance. He encapsulates everything I thought a Jedi would be. He is wise, calm, and confident in every situation. He is a beloved figure and understands the force in a unique way. Anyone who trained Obi-Wan must have an awesome origin story, and I would love to see Qui-Gon on the big screen again.

 There is my list. Is there anyone else you think that deserves a film? Let me know, and as always, thanks for reading!

P.S. If they make a Mace Windu origin movie, I hope they use Dave Chappelle!

Sunday, 22 September 2013


Rated: PG-13
Running Time: 100 minutes
Starring: Jessica Chastain, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau
Directed By: Andres Muschietti
Rated: 5.5 out of 10
Two little girls get lost in the woods. They are found five years later and tell the story of an imaginary guardian named Mama.

“Mama” – Jim Carrey from Liar Liar

Two little girls go missing and are presumed dead. 5 years later they are found alive in the forest and are remarkably well preserved. There are no scientific explanations on how these two little girls could have survived alone in the woods for so long. Their Uncle and his girlfriend agree to take them into their house, only to discover they weren’t as alone in the woods as once thought.

“Mama.” There are a just a couple of things I want to say before I start my review. First, this is a terribly named film. Second, Guillermo Del Toro needs to stop presenting shit and stick to directing. Lastly, I have read review after review of how awful this film is, it isn’t that bad. The film starts out and the viewer is treated to the two children getting lost in the woods. It is a pet peeve of mine that they are not that far from civilization and yet they are totally lost to the world (but I digress.) Fast forward five years, and the kids are miraculously found alive and are doing quite well under the circumstances. These two little girls have endured harsh conditions and have come out a little on the feral side because of it. “Mama.” Their wild nature plays a big role with some of the effective scares that occur later on. Their loving uncle (Lucas) and his girlfriend (Annabel) decide to act as the girl’s guardians for the time being, and so the girls move in with them to reacquaint themselves with the real world. It doesn’t take long to realize that something is not right in the house. The girl’s talk of an imaginary protector named Mama. The doctors seem to think it is a manifestation of being alone for so long. They are about to discover that Mama is not that imaginary after all. The first half of the film sees a decent build up of story and the occasional fright. The girls creepily walk around the house on all fours, and they sleep on the floor or under the bed like wild animals. Add in odd noises coming from the walls and the closets, and the film starts off strong. “Mama.”

The acting is pretty good in this. Annabel is played by Jessica Chastain and she continues her recent trend of impressive performances (The Help, Zero Dark Thirty.) I am not saying this is an Oscar worthy performance, but she plays the alternative girlfriend quite well. She takes on the motherly role and is calm and collected when under stress. She might be faulted for sticking around the scary house for too long, but at least she is a strong character and wasn’t ditzy. Uncle Lucas was played by Nikolaj Coster-Waldau and he was okay. You will probably like him more in this if you don’t watch Game of Thrones. All I see is the Kingslayer, and Waldau’s performance did not convince me out of that vision. Lastly, I was very impressed with the kids. As you well know I am especially harsh on child actors, but they were solid in this. The two girls were played by Megan Charpentier and Isabelle Nelisse. These two girls have much to be proud of as they grunted and snarled their way through this film. Overall, the acting allowed you to enjoy film more which I appreciated. “Mama.”

As the film carries on, it starts to unravel. While monsters in the closet and under the bed scenarios do work effectively in this. The story just cannot offer the quality scares like the start did. Mama is seen too soon, too frequently, and is too computer animated to be taken seriously. There are also convoluted dream sequences and characters stupidly wandering into dangerous locations by themselves. What once was frightening, quickly turns ludicrous, as Mama enacts an insane plot to get the girls back. The love between a mother and her child can be intense and powerful. Annabel’s maternal instincts to protect the girls are about to be tested by Mama’s resolve to get them back. Who will win? “Mama.” In conclusion, the acting is good, and there are a respectable number of jump scares. The kid’s wild nature is very unsettling, and the sound Mama makes is bone chilling. Unfortunately, the story is messy and relies too heavily on dream sequences and stupid plot development. At the end of the day, Mama herself is the worst part to this film. She just doesn’t have that X Factor to make this film work. The ending is also horrifically stupid.

Director Andres Muschietti (I pronounce Muschietti like Margheriti from Inglorious Basterds) shows that he is competent at making horror. He has an effective style that the viewer can easily get invested in, even though the material is out there. His casting and pacing lead to an easy watch and there are a few truly scary scenes. His downfall was the implementation of CGI and his overuse of the Mama character. With a few script tweaks, this film could have worked, but ultimately it falls just short.

I cannot recommend this film but it is better than what most critics say.  Also, “Mama.”
T Factor + If you like creature horror then this could score higher on the rating scale.

T Factor – If you like gore in your horror then this could score lower on the rating scale.

If you liked this film reel recommendations: Darkness Falls, Pitch Black.