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Movie rating system (0-2) The movie is balls (2-4) A few moments but mostly bad (4-5.5) Entertaining film but lacking something to make it good. (6-7.5) A recommendation meaning a good solid watch. (8-10) must watch films, they are usually leaders in their respective genre. I can also be found on Facebook or follow my blog at the bottom of this page. THERE MAY BE MINI SPOILERS AHEAD!!! But there will be no endings/twists/cameos/or large plot reveals given.

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Sunday, 2 September 2012

Vampires Suck

Vampires Suck
Rated: PG-13
Running Time: 82 minutes
Starring:  Jenn Proske, Matt Lanter, Ken Jeong, Diedrich Bader
Directed By: Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer
Rating: 1 out of 10
This is a film spoofing the Twilight franchise.

Vampires suck, Twilight sucks, this movie sucked. It was inevitable that a spoof movie came out about Twilight due to its massive global appeal. The problem is when the source material is so wretched the spoofing of that source will no doubt follow suit. Vampires Suck is a movie spoofing the first two Twilight films. It follows the story of a teenager named Becca as she is torn between the world of Vampires and Werewolves.

This movie for most people will be a lose, lose. You need to watch the first two twilight movies (I am sorry) to fully appreciate this movie (I am also sorry). Spoof movies have been around for quite a while but it looks like funny people don’t want anything to do with them anymore. Movies like Epic Movie, Date Movie, Disaster Movie and a number of other god awful spoof films have ruined this genre recently. This film is added to that list and it is quite apparent this genre is dying if not dead at this point. So the movie starts and if you haven’t seen the original Twilight movies then be prepared for a dazzling array of crap. The first thing you will notice is the awesome amount of thought gone into the play on word names this movie uses. Twilight's Bella Swan, Forks Washington, and the Cullen family have been changed to Becca Crane, Sporks Washington, and the Sullen family respectively. The humor doesn’t get any deeper than that just to prepare you. As you are introduced to the key players it is clear this film will really generate nothing but contempt. It uses a tired recipe of fart jokes, crotch shots, pop culture references, and any other cheap humor trick you can think up but it never works.

I am not going to pick on the acting as the cast is mostly made up of people trying to make it in the business. That and the material is impossible to pull off well anyways, but I am always impressed with these types of movies. Somehow they are always able to find great people to mimic the real star. For example Jenn Proske playing Becca Crane does a pretty solid imitation of Kristen Stewart. Her awkward pauses and angst ridden mannerisms are bang on and will get the odd smile from the viewer. Matt Lanter playing Edward Sullen does an okay Robert Pattinson also. The rest of the cast does decent ranging to terrible jobs at mimicry but overall the casting wasn’t the worst. Diedrich Bader and Ken Jeong are in the film also if you are fans of theirs but are not remotely funny.

As the film progresses you will find your mind wandering and thinking of anything else but the film. It is hard to focus on a film that you and a couple of friends could have written in an afternoon while crushing a 12 pack of beers. The film throws at you jokes about the Kardashians, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Tiger Woods, Lindsay Lohan, Lady Gaga and many more without ever generating a smile. The film mercifully is only 82 minutes long so at least the pain is not prolonged. The only thing this film does well is it picks on the obvious awfulness of the Twilight franchise and that is to be commended. I will stop talking now as I think you get the idea that this film is not worth the watch.

Directors and writers Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer might be funny in real life but need to stop making these movies (They won’t because of the profit) It is like they are trying to make the worst movies known to man. They are the masterminds behind Meet the Spartans and Epic movie, and many more. All they do right is casting but everything else from the tired slapstick to the cheap pop culture references make me hate them more and more with each movie. Please stop making these films but as I write this I notice they are in pre production of a movie called the Starving Games. Please lord help us all. On a side note I wish Benny Hill was still alive.

I cannot recommend this film as it not worth anyone’s time or money.

T Factor + Like stupid humor this could score higher on the rating scale.

T Factor – Anything really could make this film lower on the rating scale.

If you liked this film reel recommendations: Epic Movie, Disaster Movie.

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