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Movie rating system (0-2) The movie is balls (2-4) A few moments but mostly bad (4-5.5) Entertaining film but lacking something to make it good. (6-7.5) A recommendation meaning a good solid watch. (8-10) must watch films, they are usually leaders in their respective genre. I can also be found on Facebook or follow my blog at the bottom of this page. THERE MAY BE MINI SPOILERS AHEAD!!! But there will be no endings/twists/cameos/or large plot reveals given.

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Tuesday, 1 October 2013

Scary Movie 5

Scary Movie 5
Comedy (Spoof)
Rated: PG-13
Running Time: 86 minutes
Starring: Ashley Tisdale , Simon Rex
Directed By: Malcolm D. Lee
Rating: 0 out of 10
Following the Sanders family, this is a movie spoofing the current horror films.

Have you ever stepped in dog crap before? Have you ever been hit in the junk with a hockey puck? Have you ever had to pass a kidney stone? Have you ever stepped on a pin with your bare foot? Did you see the movie The Tree of Life in theatre? I have done all of these things at one point in my life, and I can honestly say they were all more enjoyable than this movie. Scary Movie 5 is the story about the Sanders. They start to experience some paranormal activity after bringing their two young nieces into their house. They need to get to the bottom of this activity before it tears their family apart.

It took exactly 30 seconds to realize that this movie was going to follow in the same pitiful footsteps of Scary Movie 3, and 4. An opening scene where Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan have sex while Yakety Sax plays in the background, is not only painfully stupid, it somehow insults the memory of Benny Hill at the same time. Trust me when I say that this movie never gets any better. This movie follows the storylines of Paranormal Activity, Mama, and Black Swan. It also throws in many references from films like The Evil Dead, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, and Sinister (and many others.) No matter what film they were spoofing, it failed miserably. The Sanders are just a regular couple going through some personal issues. They have agreed to look after their little nieces who were found living in the woods. Shortly after moving the kids in, the Sanders are inundated with creepy sounds and objects that move on their own accord. While most films take a slow progression up to the stupid poop and slapstick humor, Scary Movie 5 repeatedly slaps the viewer in the face with unfunny material from the get go. Someone out there thought that if you mashed enough jokes about having sex with animals, awkward racial stereotypes, and people getting hit in the head that it would make for a good comedy, they were wrong.

Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, Snoop Dogg, Simon Rex, Molly Shannon, Katt Williams, and Heather Locklear. This cast is so bad that it wouldn’t even be asked to do an episode of Hollywood Squares. I won’t waste my time speaking about the acting as I am sure you understand by now how I feel about this movie. The only positive is Ashley Tisdale is easy to watch even if she isn’t remotely funny. Lastly, Jerry O’Connell is in this, and he looks like he is coming off a 2 year coke binge as he is unrecognizable. Trip McNeely looks sickly.  

I have a confession to make; this film was so bad that I had to watch it in three parts. I would tire of the stupidity and go play some Diablo 3 to ease the pain. As I came back and restarted from where I left off, it just reaffirmed my hatred for it. The Sanders realize that they must confront the evil in their house before being destroyed by it. It is in this confrontation that the exact opposite of humor can be found. There are putrid scenes of an intelligent ape confronting the evil entity from Mama. There are stupid scenes about the lesbian love scene from Black Swan. There are inane scenes about the book reading from The Evil Dead. The writers also seemed to think by simply referencing another film that it would make for good comedy, they were wrong. In conclusion, this movie just made me sad. It made me sad that I wasted my life watching it. It made me sad that there are people out there that obviously find these movies funny. It made me sad for the actors that they have fallen so low. Finally, it made me sad to know that Scary 6 will eventually happen.

Director Malcolm D. Lee will get a pass from my criticism as this script allows for zero comedy. He took a broken franchise, threw in some broken actors, and guided this film to a profit. So I guess he earned his paycheck. You should have made Undercover Brother 2 and stayed away from this mess, Mr. Lee.

I cannot recommend this movie. PLEASE DO NOT WATCH THIS.

T Factor + None

T Factor – None

If you liked this film reel recommendations: Superhero Movie, Disaster Movie.  

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