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Movie rating system (0-2) The movie is balls (2-4) A few moments but mostly bad (4-5.5) Entertaining film but lacking something to make it good. (6-7.5) A recommendation meaning a good solid watch. (8-10) must watch films, they are usually leaders in their respective genre. I can also be found on Facebook or follow my blog at the bottom of this page. THERE MAY BE MINI SPOILERS AHEAD!!! But there will be no endings/twists/cameos/or large plot reveals given.

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Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Stan Helsing

Stan Helsing
Rated: R
Running Time: 108 minutes
Starring: Steve Howey, Diora Baird, Kenan Thompson, Desi Lydic, Leslie Nielsen
Directed By: Bo Zenga
Rating: 1 out of 10
4 friends must survive Halloween night as they are chased by killer icons of horror cinema.

I wasn’t in a very good mood so I decided to pop in a comedy to lighten things up. Unfortunately the comedy was called Stan Helsing and it did nothing to improve my grouchiness. This film is the story of Stan Helsing. He and three friends get lost on their way to a Halloween party and end up on the wrong side of town. They are pursued by evil monsters who all mistake him for the legendary monster killer, Van Helsing.

I don’t know why but the title of this film cracks me up. That is all that cracks me up with this movie though. The film starts and we see Stan Helsing as he finishes his shift at a local video store. A bizarre encounter with a human sized cockroach in the bathroom sets the stage for a truly putrid film. The writer seems to be obsessed with bathrooms in this film as there were four different bathroom scenes all together. Not exactly a parody this film uses the likeness of all the infamous serial killers in cinematic history. Pinhead, Michael Myers, Jason, Freddy, Leatherface, and many more show up in the film but are slightly altered. Leatherface has a leaf blower instead of a chainsaw, Freddy has utensils instead of finger knives, Pinhead has darts instead of spikes in his head, and this is the best they could come up with. The film is a woeful 108 minutes of the lowest grade humor you will find. Stan Helsing and his friend Teddy are a couple of bumbling idiots and the girls are basically eye candy that repeatedly have attention brought to their bodies by lights and honking sounds when they get groped. The movie has the four friends running around from place to place sexually harassing each other and also trying to stay one step ahead of the poorly thought up monsters.

I am not going to talk much about the acting as these people are here for a paycheck and that’s it. Stan Helsing is played by Steve Howey. Besides looking a little like Jimmy McNulty from the Wire he is a terrible lead and everyone else follows his example. Teddy is played by the perpetually unfunny Kenan Thompson and he plays a generic token black guy. The girls played by Diora Baird and Desi Lydic set women back 20 years with their scantily clad performances. It was sad to witness these people go through the motions when even they know this wasn’t going to be funny.

The movie rolls along and besides a funny Kobe Bryant reference very early on I can’t remember even one funny scene. When I thought this film couldn’t get any worse the four friends battle the serial killers in a karaoke battle. Seeing infamous serial killers singing a YMCA parody is truly the low point of this film. As the end mercifully arrives, one can only wonder how a movie can be this bad and get funding. Do not watch this for any reason as it will just infuriate you.

Director and writer Bo Zenga should be banned from doing anything in regards to movies. You would think with a name like Bo Zenga he would be funnier but that isn’t the case. He tortures this cast as he sends them on a journey no one wants to watch. He misuses comedy legend Leslie Neilson and his tired toilet humor will appeal to no one. The film is many things but ultimately it just isn’t funny.

I cannot recommend this film as it should never have been made.

T Factor + If you like movies that are so bad they are funny than this could score higher on the rating scale.

T Factor – Pick anything and this could score lower on the rating scale.

If you liked this film reel recommendations: Epic Movie, Date Movie. 

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