Movie 43

Movie 43

Comedy

2013

Rated: R

Running Time: 94 minutes

Starring: Dennis Quaid, Greg Kinnear, Common, Will Sasso, Seth McFarlane, Hugh Jackman, Kate Winslet, Live Schreiber, Naomi Watts, Anna Farris, Chris Pratt, J.B. Smoove, Kieran Culkin, Emma Stone, Richard Gere, Kate Bosworth, Jack McBrayer, Justin Long, Jason Sudeikis, Uma Thurman, Bobby Cannavale, Aasif Mandvi, Kristen Bell, Leslie Bibb, Katrina Bowden, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Chloe Grace Moretz, Patrick Warburton, Gerard Butler, Seann William Scott, Johnny Knoxville, Halle Berry, Stephan Merchant, Terrence Howard, Elizabeth Banks, Josh Duhamel,  

Directed By: Multiple

Rating: 0 out of 10

Outline

A movie producer pitches a host of ideas to a big wig executive in a last ditch effort to save his career.

Review

My 97 year old grandmother is slightly racist and has partial dementia, and she says things that I would consider funnier and less awkward than what happens in this film. Movie 43 is the story of a down on his luck Hollywood producer. He is pitching a series of movie ideas to a Hollywood executive in the hopes of resurrecting his stalled career.

I was looking forward to watching this film for a long time. The trailer for this movie is arguably the funniest trailer that I have ever seen. You should just YouTube that trailer now, and save yourself from the self inflicted gunshot wound that is this movie. The film starts out and we are introduced to a disheveled looking producer, peddling his grade 2 movie ideas. He is clearly deranged from the first movie pitch. Seeing Hugh Jackman with a pair of testicles on his throat is all you need to know about the quality of humor. The film is just is an odd assortment of the lowest form of humor ever conceived. Not only is the script trolling the bottom of a dirty toilet for its jokes. It relentlessly beats the viewer over the head with them. A girl gets her period for the first time, so let’s make unfunny jokes about it for the next ten minutes. A guy is strangely home schooled by his overbearing parents, so let’s make awkward incest jokes about it for the next ten minutes. A naked female music player mangles guy’s junks, so let’s make inane sexual jokes about it for the next ten minutes. And so on and so on. It is not the crass humor that bothers me. It is more the lack of subtly in its presentation.

Look at this cast and tell me how this could have gone so wrong? I am not going to fault any of the actors/actresses that show up in this movie. They are clearly attempting to appeal to new audiences by trying a genre that is outside of their normal comfort level. Unfortunately, this movie is so bad they will all look back at this with some modicum of regret. Most actors/actresses lament their earlier work as they are just looking for a paying gig. Anyone involved with project can now look back and say without a shadow of a doubt that this is the worst thing on their resume.

As the film carries on it is obvious that it has no clear direction. It just bounces from one abysmal movie pitch to the next. It is an insult to the viewer that they have to sit through so many terrible scenes. I could talk all day about how bad this film is but I will leave you with this thought. I would rather get another kidney stone. I would rather watch Nicolas Cage do Shakespeare. I would rather watch Lizz Winstead do standup comedy. I would rather my nephew break my favorite Star Wars Figure than have to watch this movie again. Toilet humor can work if done right, but this material clogged the toilet.

 As for the directors, it is like all of them got together, smoked peyote, and then asked Andy Dick to write a film for them. Then they filmed it.

I obviously cannot recommend this movie. It is easily one of the worst of 2013.

T Factor + None

T Factor – None

If you liked this film reel recommendations: Scary Movie 3-5, Date Movie.

The World's End

The World’s End

Comedy (Alien, Action, Sci-Fi)

2013

Rating: R

Running Time: 109 minutes

Starring: Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Martin Freeman, Pierce Brosnan, David Bradley, Rosamund Pike

Directed By: Edgar Wright

Rating: 5 out of 10

Outline

A group of guy out on a pub crawl must save the world from an unknown invader.

Review

12 pints at 12 pubs…..Kiefer Sutherland and I call that Sunday brunch! The World’s End is the story of 5 college friends that have grown apart. 20 years have passed, and they have reunited to try and finish a legendary pub crawl which they had attempted in their youth. 1 pint at 12 different pubs is the goal, but in the process they become humanities unlikeliest chance at survival.

It is too bad they couldn’t have taken the first half of this movie and then put it together with the end of Hot Fuzz. That would have been a truly funny film. Alas, we have a film that starts off great and then spirals out of control about midway through. The opening scene introduces us to the 5 college friends attempting the epic pub crawl. It is a valiant effort but it just wasn’t meant to be. Fast forward 20 years, and the group has grown up and grown apart, except for Gary King. Gary is a man drifting through life, and is stuck in the memories of his happiest moments (which are at college with his buddies.) He decides to round up his old buddies, and head back to the little college town to retry the epic pub crawl. The only problem is that his friends are career men now, with wives and families. There is humor to be found as Gary gets the old crew together. Gary sweet talks, bribes, intimidates, and ultimately bullies his friends into completing this drinking quest. Seeing these unassuming men, being led by a homeless looking Peter Pan is hilarious. Many laughs are to be had as they travel down memory lane together. Gary has the same car, same music, same stories, and same lack of ambition. He is going to complete this pub crawl at all costs though, and nothing on this Earth is going to stop him….

Gary King is played by the always hilarious Simon Pegg. With his black garb and greasy black hair, Pegg guides this sociopathic character into some truly hilarious situations. I have heard grumblings that people hated Pegg in this role, but I think he was awesome and carried the film almost single handedly at times. He is fast talking and charming in an immature type of way. His friends are played by Nick Frost, Martin Freeman, Paddy Considine, and Eddie Marsan. These four all add something to the film but are mostly supporting Pegg as he goes off on one of his many epic tirades.

As the film progresses and the 5 friends bounce from pub to pub, something curious starts to happen. The townsfolk’s stares seem to linger a little too long. The townsfolk conversations seem to be just a little too quiet. And the townsfolk seem to pay a little too much attention to what the 5 friends are doing. What should be a night of crazy drinking becomes one of survival instead. You see, the townsfolk are not what they seem and are not going to let the friends leave. For the second half of the film, the 5 friends must brawl their way from pub to pub. They kick and punch, and they run and they drink. They kick and punch, and they run and they drink. They kick and punch, and they run and they drink. They kick and punch, and they run and they drink. It gets so repetitive that it is hard to sit through. The fight scenes are actually pretty great and comical in this, but they rely on it too much for the laughs. As the film comes to an end, it is clear that the writers (Pegg and Wright) had no way to finish it and just said frak it. So not only is the ending intolerable, it is also stupidly unfunny. In conclusion, this film is much like a crazy drinking binge. You are energetic and happy at the beginning. In the middle you are laughing, giddy, and wondering where you will end up next. And the ending is a jumble of half remembered images and regrets that you should have quit while you were on top. This is an entertaining and yet disappointing way to end the Cornetto trilogy. Will the 5 guys survive and save the world from an otherworldly menace? Watch and find out.

Director Edgar Wright knows his audience. Therefore, I really cannot critique him for this movie. His fans will ultimately love this movie as he uses lots of references from his other films (Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz) He also gets top marks for the fight scenes as they are very well done. They are high impact as well as humorous, which is hard to do. Ultimately, I would have liked a more consistent and original finished product from him though.

I cannot give this movie a recommendation. Although The Worlds End is the final destination for this franchise, my heart will always remain in the Winchester!

T Factor + If you like the comedic duo of Frost and Pegg then this could score higher on the rating scale.

T Factor – If you are looking for the earlier comedic magic that is captured in Shaun of the Dead then this could score lower on the rating scale.

If you liked this film reel recommendations: The Watch, This is the End.

Scary Movie 5

Scary Movie 5

Comedy (Spoof)

2013

Rated: PG-13

Running Time: 86 minutes

Starring: Ashley Tisdale , Simon Rex

Directed By: Malcolm D. Lee

Rating: 0 out of 10

Outline

Following the Sanders family, this is a movie spoofing the current horror films.

Review

Have you ever stepped in dog crap before? Have you ever been hit in the junk with a hockey puck? Have you ever had to pass a kidney stone? Have you ever stepped on a pin with your bare foot? Did you see the movie The Tree of Life in theatre? I have done all of these things at one point in my life, and I can honestly say they were all more enjoyable than this movie. Scary Movie 5 is the story about the Sanders. They start to experience some paranormal activity after bringing their two young nieces into their house. They need to get to the bottom of this activity before it tears their family apart.

It took exactly 30 seconds to realize that this movie was going to follow in the same pitiful footsteps of Scary Movie 3, and 4. An opening scene where Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan have sex while Yakety Sax plays in the background, is not only painfully stupid, it somehow insults the memory of Benny Hill at the same time. Trust me when I say that this movie never gets any better. This movie follows the storylines of Paranormal Activity, Mama, and Black Swan. It also throws in many references from films like The Evil Dead, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, and Sinister (and many others.) No matter what film they were spoofing, it failed miserably. The Sanders are just a regular couple going through some personal issues. They have agreed to look after their little nieces who were found living in the woods. Shortly after moving the kids in, the Sanders are inundated with creepy sounds and objects that move on their own accord. While most films take a slow progression up to the stupid poop and slapstick humor, Scary Movie 5 repeatedly slaps the viewer in the face with unfunny material from the get go. Someone out there thought that if you mashed enough jokes about having sex with animals, awkward racial stereotypes, and people getting hit in the head that it would make for a good comedy, they were wrong.

Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, Snoop Dogg, Simon Rex, Molly Shannon, Katt Williams, and Heather Locklear. This cast is so bad that it wouldn’t even be asked to do an episode of Hollywood Squares. I won’t waste my time speaking about the acting as I am sure you understand by now how I feel about this movie. The only positive is Ashley Tisdale is easy to watch even if she isn’t remotely funny. Lastly, Jerry O’Connell is in this, and he looks like he is coming off a 2 year coke binge as he is unrecognizable. Trip McNeely looks sickly.  

I have a confession to make; this film was so bad that I had to watch it in three parts. I would tire of the stupidity and go play some Diablo 3 to ease the pain. As I came back and restarted from where I left off, it just reaffirmed my hatred for it. The Sanders realize that they must confront the evil in their house before being destroyed by it. It is in this confrontation that the exact opposite of humor can be found. There are putrid scenes of an intelligent ape confronting the evil entity from Mama. There are stupid scenes about the lesbian love scene from Black Swan. There are inane scenes about the book reading from The Evil Dead. The writers also seemed to think by simply referencing another film that it would make for good comedy, they were wrong. In conclusion, this movie just made me sad. It made me sad that I wasted my life watching it. It made me sad that there are people out there that obviously find these movies funny. It made me sad for the actors that they have fallen so low. Finally, it made me sad to know that Scary 6 will eventually happen.

Director Malcolm D. Lee will get a pass from my criticism as this script allows for zero comedy. He took a broken franchise, threw in some broken actors, and guided this film to a profit. So I guess he earned his paycheck. You should have made Undercover Brother 2 and stayed away from this mess, Mr. Lee.

I cannot recommend this movie. PLEASE DO NOT WATCH THIS.

T Factor + None

T Factor – None

If you liked this film reel recommendations: Superhero Movie, Disaster Movie.  

Mama

Mama

Horror

2013

Rated: PG-13

Running Time: 100 minutes

Starring: Jessica Chastain, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau

Directed By: Andres Muschietti

Rated: 5.5 out of 10

Outline

Two little girls get lost in the woods. They are found five years later and tell the story of an imaginary guardian named Mama.

Review

“Mama” – Jim Carrey from Liar Liar

Two little girls go missing and are presumed dead. 5 years later they are found alive in the forest and are remarkably well preserved. There are no scientific explanations on how these two little girls could have survived alone in the woods for so long. Their Uncle and his girlfriend agree to take them into their house, only to discover they weren’t as alone in the woods as once thought.

“Mama.” There are a just a couple of things I want to say before I start my review. First, this is a terribly named film. Second, Guillermo Del Toro needs to stop presenting shit and stick to directing. Lastly, I have read review after review of how awful this film is, it isn’t that bad. The film starts out and the viewer is treated to the two children getting lost in the woods. It is a pet peeve of mine that they are not that far from civilization and yet they are totally lost to the world (but I digress.) Fast forward five years, and the kids are miraculously found alive and are doing quite well under the circumstances. These two little girls have endured harsh conditions and have come out a little on the feral side because of it. “Mama.” Their wild nature plays a big role with some of the effective scares that occur later on. Their loving uncle (Lucas) and his girlfriend (Annabel) decide to act as the girl’s guardians for the time being, and so the girls move in with them to reacquaint themselves with the real world. It doesn’t take long to realize that something is not right in the house. The girl’s talk of an imaginary protector named Mama. The doctors seem to think it is a manifestation of being alone for so long. They are about to discover that Mama is not that imaginary after all. The first half of the film sees a decent build up of story and the occasional fright. The girls creepily walk around the house on all fours, and they sleep on the floor or under the bed like wild animals. Add in odd noises coming from the walls and the closets, and the film starts off strong. “Mama.”

The acting is pretty good in this. Annabel is played by Jessica Chastain and she continues her recent trend of impressive performances (The Help, Zero Dark Thirty.) I am not saying this is an Oscar worthy performance, but she plays the alternative girlfriend quite well. She takes on the motherly role and is calm and collected when under stress. She might be faulted for sticking around the scary house for too long, but at least she is a strong character and wasn’t ditzy. Uncle Lucas was played by Nikolaj Coster-Waldau and he was okay. You will probably like him more in this if you don’t watch Game of Thrones. All I see is the Kingslayer, and Waldau’s performance did not convince me out of that vision. Lastly, I was very impressed with the kids. As you well know I am especially harsh on child actors, but they were solid in this. The two girls were played by Megan Charpentier and Isabelle Nelisse. These two girls have much to be proud of as they grunted and snarled their way through this film. Overall, the acting allowed you to enjoy film more which I appreciated. “Mama.”

As the film carries on, it starts to unravel. While monsters in the closet and under the bed scenarios do work effectively in this. The story just cannot offer the quality scares like the start did. Mama is seen too soon, too frequently, and is too computer animated to be taken seriously. There are also convoluted dream sequences and characters stupidly wandering into dangerous locations by themselves. What once was frightening, quickly turns ludicrous, as Mama enacts an insane plot to get the girls back. The love between a mother and her child can be intense and powerful. Annabel’s maternal instincts to protect the girls are about to be tested by Mama’s resolve to get them back. Who will win? “Mama.” In conclusion, the acting is good, and there are a respectable number of jump scares. The kid’s wild nature is very unsettling, and the sound Mama makes is bone chilling. Unfortunately, the story is messy and relies too heavily on dream sequences and stupid plot development. At the end of the day, Mama herself is the worst part to this film. She just doesn’t have that X Factor to make this film work. The ending is also horrifically stupid.

Director Andres Muschietti (I pronounce Muschietti like Margheriti from Inglorious Basterds) shows that he is competent at making horror. He has an effective style that the viewer can easily get invested in, even though the material is out there. His casting and pacing lead to an easy watch and there are a few truly scary scenes. His downfall was the implementation of CGI and his overuse of the Mama character. With a few script tweaks, this film could have worked, but ultimately it falls just short.

I cannot recommend this film but it is better than what most critics say.  Also, “Mama.”

T Factor + If you like creature horror then this could score higher on the rating scale.

T Factor – If you like gore in your horror then this could score lower on the rating scale.

If you liked this film reel recommendations: Darkness Falls, Pitch Black.

Hobo with a Shotgun

Hobo with a Shotgun

2011

Action

Rated: R

Running Time: 86 minutes

Starring: Rutger Hauer

Directed By: Jason Eisener

Rating: 5 out of 10

Outline

A hobo grabs a shotgun and takes on the criminals in a rundown city.

Review

I was hoping this movie was going to be about a German Sheppard with a shotgun (Sorry, Canadian TV show reference about the Littlest Hobo.) I didn’t want to merely like this movie; I wanted to LOVE it (Figuratively speaking.) It arguably has the best title of any film out there (The movie Snatch is also a classic.) So, I wanted to scream its praises as one of the best and bloodiest films that I have ever seen. Unfortunately, it was only okay. Hobo with a Shotgun is about, well, a hobo with a shotgun. This hobo is pissed off that the city he resides in is a cesspool of criminals and thieves. So he grabs a shotgun and blows away anyone who commits crimes against the law abiding citizens of the city.

The film starts out and we see the Hobo as he enters the city. It is a city without hope as it is equal parts chaos, to squalor. The roads are littered with trash, the buildings are derelict and boarded up, and the populace is ragged and malnourished. The city looks like Tim Burton and Andy Warhol smoked crack, and then designed Gotham together, but there was no Batman to defend it. This city is under the rule of powerful men and the police are powerless to intervene. The Hobo minds his own business as he tries to panhandle and collects pop cans for nickels. He witnesses the most violent of crimes imaginable. People are decapitated in the street, kids are snatched from the sidewalks by sexual deviants, and drug use is rampant. He is just trying to survive another day, but that is all about to change. He is tired of being bullied and being mistreated. He is tired of the police apathy and the misogynistic attitudes. Finally, he is tired of being poor. So he grabs a 20 gauge shotgun and takes matters into his own hands. The first half of the movie is nonsense but in a good way. He is angry and he is ready to go on a rampage, and that’s exactly what he does. Limbs get blown off and blood sprays like a fire hose from the gaping wounds. Heads got caved in and blood sprays like a geyser from the gaping wounds. Criminals die in every way imaginable and blood sprays like Mentos mixed with Diet Coke out of the gaping wounds. No one is safe from the Hobo’s gun and it is fun to watch.

Rutger Hauer plays the Hobo, and he is good as the old cantankerous bum. This isn’t the hardest of roles to pull off as he just has to be incessantly angry for the whole film. He is likable in a psychotic and twisted way, and his anger is palpable. His support cast is as bizarre as the city. The mob guys are campy 80’s gangsters, the prostitutes are pretty but angry, and the rest of the city snorts drugs out in the open. Long story short, the characters were weird.

As the movie continues it just got stranger and stranger, and it is in this strangeness that the movie lost me. Instead of the Hobo just killing people with his gun, the film takes a turn into the world of an acid trip gone wrong. People are subjected to eating glass, which is out of place. People get killed with a pair of hockey skates, which is out of place. Organs and intestines are removed without thought, which is out of place. Lastly, characters wearing comical looking armor arrive on the scene to cause murder and mayhem, which is out of place. The story is irrelevant as the Hobo shoots his way through the criminal element. As the film comes to a close, does the Hobo have the strength to save this city? Or will the criminals win out as usual? In conclusion, this film is entertaining in a bloody spray type of way, but you will tire of it around the midway point. The random violence and characters in this over exaggerated city were too much for my liking. This film was a collage of violence, and as such, was highly disorganized.

Director Jason Eisener shot this movie and even though I didn’t love this film, I respected his vision. He wanted this film to be bloody and violent, a throwback to the 70’s and 80’s, and I could see what he was going for. He just took it too far in every aspect. When the film needed a little normalcy he added more shock and awe. Because the film was so strange it never felt right to me and that is where the movie failed.

I cannot recommend this film because it just goes too far out there.

T Factor + If you are a fan of the Grindhouse type films then this could score higher on the rating scale.

T Factor – If you do not like violent films then this could score lower on the rating scale.

If you liked this film reel recommendation: Kill Bill movies, Grindhouse movies     

The Day

The Day

Horror (Sci-Fi)

2011

Rated: R

Running Time: 87 minutes

Starring: Shawn Ashmore, Brianna Barnes, Shannyn Sossamon, Ashley Bell, Michael Eklund, Dominic Monaghan, Cory Hardrict

Directed By: Douglas Aarniokoski

Rating: 5 out of 10

Outline

A group of human survivors try to find a place of safety in an apocalyptic world.

Review

A day seems like a relatively short period of time, but when you are battling for your life, it can seem like an eternity. The Day is the story of the world in an apocalyptic state. 5 people band together and try and survive the packs of vicious roaming predators. An abandoned farmhouse promises a brief respite as they traverse the land, but it may end up as their grave as the enemy closes in.

Post apocalyptic themed movies seem to be the new flavor of the month. It seems with the Mayan end of the world prediction; Hollywood took advantage of the opportunity and cranked out some films on the subject. The film starts out and we see a small town ravaged by some unknown cause. Cars lie abandoned on the street, houses are empty and their windows are smashed in, and blood is causally splattered all over the place. It is a world devoid of life and the remaining humans lay low and keep to themselves. There is an unknown terror that has abnormal strength/quickness, and it craves meat. The film follows five humans (Adam, Shannon, Mary, Rick, and Henson) as they try and survive.  Circumstances arise that forces them to stop at an abandoned farm house for a while. The film is pretty slow to start out as we get to know each of the players. What I liked about the opening half was the bleakness of the land. A lot of the film is shot in black and white or with little color. It causes the viewer to think of depressing thoughts and prepares them for some violence of the worst kind. It is also cool that the viewer is unsure about what is stalking these people. It could be anything from vampires to rabid sloths, and it is cool not knowing the actual danger. The only thing the viewer does know is that whatever is out there, are some truly bad Mofos.

The acting is passable as it is quite a veteran cast. Dominic Monaghan, Shawn Ashmore, Shannyn Sossamon, and Ashley Bell all have done this before. They are a veteran cast that settles into their roles quite easily. They bicker, they argue, and the struggle to remain positive in a world with no hope. Their weapons are insufficient, their supplies are dwindling, and their nerves are shot. Even though it is a strange group and a somewhat clichéd group, you will root for them to survive. I felt the group look disheveled, they look run down, and they even looked a little desperate. However, they were not gaunt enough to completely buy into the desperate scenario. All in all, the characters and acting were decent enough, even if their background stories were forced on the viewer to try and give an emotional attachment (it didn’t work.)

As the film progresses, it turns out this farmhouse might be the end of the road for these five. What was at first a welcome respite from all the wearisome walking, now may serve as their gravesite. Their presence is known to the evil that stalks the land and they have little choice on what to do. They can either run and be hunted like sheep, or they can stand their ground and try and fight. This is where the movie gets confusing. It is in the bad guys themselves that ultimately lost me as a supporter of the film. The ambiguity of the terror that stalks the land is puzzling. Are these unkempt bad people supposed to be vampires? Or are they people suffering from a terrible disease? Or are they people that Amanda Bynes has slept with over the last year? They don’t explain it at all, which was the wrong call in my mind. With reckless abandon, these monsters of the new world descend on the farmhouse for some human flesh snacking. This is also confusing as they have little self preservation skills and make the dumbest decisions possible. For a race that now rules the world, they have no problem sticking their heads in random holes, run at armed people with no thought to protecting themselves, and seem to make the wrong choice on how to attack 100 percent of the time. It got a little stupid after a few minutes. The action sequences are good even if the special effects are not the best. CGI blood spray and gaping wounds are easily spotted and look cheap and hurried. The action is furious and graphic though, so if you like lots of bodies piling up due to horrific injuries, then this film has that in bulk. When your life is on the line you tend to stab and cut with more power than is necessary so be prepared for that. The struggle for survival is upon them, and as the film comes to a close it won’t be a question of will they all make it, more a question of will any of them make it. In conclusion, I liked the black and white hue on the film and I liked the characters even in their simplicity. I liked that the battle for their lives was violent and bloody. I didn’t like the bad guys as I felt they had no thought to their design. I also felt this film was rather low budget to pull off some of the scenes. I was entertained but ultimately not blown away by this film.

Director Douglas Aarniokoski (Seriously, shorten that last name to Aarn) does a commendable job with this film. With a higher budget and some slight tweaking, this film could have worked. I liked the landscape, the cast, and the bleakness to the film. The film lacks a lot of fine detail which is the saddest part. I was impressed with the overall product on such a small budget though, and he certainly will be one to watch.

I cannot recommend this film as it is a poor mans, The Road.

T Factor + If you like low budget horror then this could score higher on the rating scale.

T Factor – If you need great special effects in your movies then this could score lower on the rating scale.

If you liked this film reel recommendations: The Road, The Divide.

The Guilt Trip

The Guilt Trip

2012

Comedy: PG-13

Rated: PG-13

Running Time: 95 minutes

Starring: Barbra Streisand, Seth Rogen

Directed By: Anne Fletcher

Rating: 2 out of 10

Outline

A man and his mother go on a road trip across the States.

Review

I never thought I would find another character that was more annoying than Marcia Gay Harden’s from The Mist. Please stand up and take a bow Barbra Streisand, as you now have that dubious achievement to accept. The Guilt Trip is the story of Andy Brewster. He is going on a cross country road trip to sell a cleaning supply that he has invented. His mother travels with him to keep him company.

If you go into this thinking that this a comedy, then you are going to be greatly disappointed. However, if you go into this thinking that it is a touching drama, well, you will still be greatly disappointed. The film starts out and we meet Andy as he tries to peddle his eco-friendly cleaning supply. He is kind of geeky and a little bit awkward, but a guy who is easy to watch. We are then introduced to his mother (Joyce) through hundreds of obnoxious voice mails that she leaves on Andy’s phone. This doesn’t bode well for the film as I instantly hated Joyce from these messages. Wait until you actually get to meet her though, as you are truly up for something special. After some tedious conversations between Andy and his mother, they head out for one of the most depressing road trip movies that I can ever recall. The first half of the movie can be summed up thusly, JOYCE IS UBER ANNOYING! She doesn’t shut the F up for the entire film. “Why are you single? I have a coupon. Are you drinking lots water? I have a book on tape. Why are you single? Are you drinking lots of water? We don’t need an SUV. We can share a room. Why are you single? Are you drinking lots of water? Your hair is messy.” This pithy dialogue goes on and on and on. Maybe I am being so harsh on this film because I don’t believe in unconditional love when it comes to family. If I don’t like you, I simply won’t talk to you even if we are related. I am more inclined to believe that this film is simply awful. I cannot believe someone can relate to this film because Joyce is easily the most overbearing mother ever. If you can relate to this film then I just feel sorry for you, truly I do.

Andy is played by Seth Rogen. Why would he even do this sort of film? I am not sure if Rogen lost a bet or if he owed someone a favor, but he just seems lost in this. It is not just him being unfunny; he doesn’t look like he wants to even be on screen. Barbra Streisand plays Joyce. All I will say is she is the worst character ever. She played it well, but I simply loathed everything about her. Not only did I care less if Andy and Joyce bonded on this trip, I wanted them to get into a horrendous car crash so Joyce would stop talking. Truly awful characters played with little thought to pleasing the viewer.

As the film carries on it never really gets any better. Andy meets with various buyers from different companies as they cross the states. Of course, Joyce is always there telling Andy what to do, how to sell, and what to wear. When Andy is not trying to sell his invented cleaning supply, they are going to random venues and getting into trouble together. Joyce drinks, gambles, gorges herself on food, and keeps offering her 2 cents worth. Andy sleeps, worries about money, and practices his selling techniques. No matter what the scenario, the film just feels wrong. A surprising heartfelt ending is not enough to save this film as it was too little and WAY too late. In conclusion, I smiled a couple of times but never laughed. Barbra Streisand’s character was so repugnant to me that this film could not have worked with her in it. The road trip scenario has been done dozens of times on film, and this may be the worst of the bunch. This film was wretched from the start, and to the people who say this film is touching, you are wrong.

Director Anne Fletcher put together a film that is truly perplexing. If this is supposed to be comedy, then this is the weakest form of humor there is. If this is supposed to be a drama, then the characters are so repulsive that it is impossible to buy into. Stupid scenarios and an overall tone of depression makes this film impossible to enjoy. When you make a film and Seth Rogen cannot make me laugh, then you know you have failed.

I cannot recommend this film and please don’t let anyone guilt you into seeing it.

T Factor + If you like your comedies without crass or vulgar humor then this could score higher on the rating scale.

T Factor – If you do not like Barbra Streisand then this could score lower on the rating scale.

If you liked this film reel recommendations: Identity Thief, Parental Guidance.

Warm Bodies

Warm Bodies

Zombie (Comedy, Romantic)

2013

Rated: PG-13

Running Time: 98 minutes

Starring: Nicholas Hoult, Teresa Palmer, Analeigh Tipton, Rob Corddry, Dave Franco, and John Malkovich.

Directed By: Jonathan Levine

Rating: 5 out of 10

Outline

The world is in the state of a zombie apocalypse. An unusual zombie starts to regain some human traits that could change the course of humanity.

Review

My zombie mind is telling me noooooooooooo…..but my zombie body…...my zombie boddddy’s telling me yessssssss. Warm Bodies is the story of a world in a state of zombie apocalypse. We follow the life (or undead life) of a zombie named R. He is a zombie just looking for his next meal of human flesh and brains. That is until he sees a human girl (Julia) which sets off a course of events that will change the fate of the world.

The premise of this movie is pretty cool. While there are many books detailing the zombie’s perspective, there are relatively few movies that show the zombies point of view. We start off the film by having the zombie R, detailing his daily routine. He grunts and shuffles his way around an airport terminal. He tells the viewer about his zombie friends, what he likes to do on a daily basis, and zombie tendencies. It is an entertaining opening as R is not your typical zombie. He has his own place where he likes to chill. He has a record player that he likes to listen to 80’s music on. He even likes to have grunting conversations with his best friend (another zombie.) Zombie life is all he knows, but hunger is always his strongest imperative. So, R and bunch of his zombie pals have to head into the city for some light, human flesh snacking from time to time. On one of these flesh devouring excursions, he meets the human girl of his dreams (cue Roxette’s, It Must Have Been Love.) This human (Julia) is strong, she is determined, and she is beautiful. Her presence is so powerful that she even restarts R’s long stopped heart. Circumstances see the two of them having to hang out together and this is where the movie is at its best. Julia’s repulsion quickly turns to interest as R is clearly different. With the restarting of his heart, R starts to regain some of his humanity and the two of them are entered into a tenuous friendship. The awkward relationship between a human and a zombie is lighthearted and fun to witness. He is creepy and socially awkward; she is guarded and justifiably scared. The two of them are forced to bond and learn about each other through a weird courtship.

Nicholas Hoult plays the zombie, called R. He is perfect for the role, as Hoult is a strange looking dude in real life. I found him easy to follow and even to root for when times are tough. Julia is played by Teresa Palmer. I found her to be a little distracting as her acting skill and look reminded me too much of Kristen Stewart. Palmer may have a little more emotional range than Stewart, but they are almost twinsies. It was off putting. Holt and Palmer develop a solid chemistry, and although a budding romance between a zombie and a human should be perverse, these two make it work. John Malkovich, Dave Franco, and Rob Corddry have small supporting roles if you are fans of theirs.

Love is a powerful emotion, and it is about to change the fate of the world. R and Julia’s relationship causes a chain reaction of zombies starting to become human again. But when you have fought zombies for as long as you can remember, most of the humans are going to be resistant to the change. There are also zombies that are so far gone that they are sadistic animals (called Boneys.) So as you can expect, the humans, human zombies, and the Boneys, all fight for their respective rights and territory. So, will love win out? Or will the world fall into zombie chaos? In Conclusion, I liked the story told from the zombie perspective, and I liked the originality of some of the zombies wanting to better themselves. The film was always fun and very easy to watch. The negatives were that I thought the film was a little cheesy/juvenile for my tastes. The zombie humans were not the best to look at, and the Boneys were a fail as they were computer generated (also known as I Am Legending the zombies.)This genre also needs blood to survive, and so although this is entertaining, it never hit the right blend of love story to gore for my tastes.

I think that director Jonathan Levine did a great job with this film. While it wasn’t a success in my eyes, I have the feeling it will hit the right chords with the younger peeps. He tones back the scariness on the zombie look to make this viable for the younger crowd. The impossible love story between a zombie and a human is neat twist and the film does have a few laughs. Most noticeably a zombie saying, “holy shit.”

I cannot recommend this movie, but it does have its touching zombie moments.

T Factor + If you are a huge fan of the zombie genre then this could score higher on the rating scale.

T Factor – If you do not like computer animated zombies then this could score lower on the rating scale.

IF you liked this film reel recommendations: Shaun of the Dead, Zombieland.

Dead Before Dawn

Dead Before Dawn

Horror (Comedy)

2012

Rated: R

Running Time: 88 minutes

Starring: Christopher Lloyd, Devon Bostick, Martha MacIsaac, Brittany Allen

Directed By: April Mullen

Rating: 0 out of 10

Outline

A group of college kids must survive the night after the worlds populace turns into Zemons.

Review

“I wish the writers of Saved by the Bell penned a zombie movie.” -  Said by no one ever. My brother recently passed me this movie for review, and all I can say is that I owe him a Liam Neeson styled throat punch for making me watch this. Dead Before Dawn is the story of a group of college kids. They unknowingly set off an evil curse that turns the world’s populace into Zombie/Demon hybrids. They have until dawn of the next day to reverse the curse or its effects will become permanent.

I have watched thousands upon thousands of movies. I can honestly say that this film easily cracks the top 20 worst movies that I have ever seen. It might even be in the top 10. It only takes about 2 minutes to realize that this film is going to suck nuds. The film starts out and we see the group of college friends as they go about their daily lives. They worry about things like school projects, and who is going to win the next big football game. Their lives are about to be flipped upside down by an evil curse. A random artifact sitting in a store for the occult is accidentally opened and a dark terror is unleashed upon the world. People lose the will to live and then come back as zombie/demons (better known as Zemons.) Yes, Zemons is the best they could come up with. This may be the most confusing blend of humor/horror that I have ever come across. The film’s writing is clearly targeting the YTV crowd (Thanks for the unknown television show reference, Canadian Dude! It will be Nickelodeon to my American friends.) Yet there is swearing and blood, making this film rated R. So it is not targeting kids or adults, which is a brilliant move! The film is little more than the group of friends traversing the city, looking for a cure and trying to survive.

Things you can expect:

1. Terrible looking zombies and poor special effects of them dying.

2. The living French kissing Zemons for some inexplicable reason.

3. Humor that only the simple minded could love.

4. Awkward scenes of love/romantic interests.

5. Acting that would make Hayden Christensen say “Damn, that is some bad acting!”

I won’t talk about the acting as it is beyond description. It looked like every scene in this film was shot in one take. The actors look to be adlibbing most of the time. If any of these people make it big than this will be their Jennifer Aniston, Leprechaun movie. Once again we have the dumbest group of friends ever. There is a clumsy nerd, a hipster, a jock, a douche bag, an air head, a bookworm, and an alternative girl, WHO ARE ALL FRIENDS. It is so they can have a broad spectrum for comedy, but it fails across the board.

This gets increasingly harder to watch as the film goes on. The kids fight the Zemons with the most ridiculous weapons possible (Grenades, Ninja Stars, a Hoberman Sphere.) The Zemons seem more intent on making noise and chasing the group than actually trying to kill anyone. To say this film is juvenile is an understatement. The film cannot come to an end quick enough and makes me question why the zombie genre has so many terrible films. In conclusion, go to the dentist, do your taxes, or even call up your ex. I guarantee it will be a more enjoyable experience than this film ever was.

April Mullen directed this. I will not say anything negative as it is more the script (Tim Doiron) that makes this film as bad as it is. She keeps the film fast paced so although it is still horrendously stupid, it is never slow. Sorry April, that is the best I got for you.

I cannot recommend this film, and Christopher Lloyd has been the same age for the last 30 years….maybe he is a Zemon?

T Factor + If you like kids films or spoof movies, then this could score higher on the rating scale.

T Factor – None.

If you liked this film reel recommendations: Stan Helsing, Date Movie

Dark Skies

Dark Skies

2013

(Sci-Fi, Thriller)

Rated: PG-13
Running Time: 97 minutes

Starring: Keri Russell, Josh Hamilton, Dakota Goyo, Kadan Rockett, J.K. Simmons.
Directed By: Scott Stewart
Rating: 4 out of 10

Outline

A suburban family is struggling with a strange phenomenon occurring around their house.

Review

“Two possibilities exist: Either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying” – Arthur C. Clarke.

Dark Skies is the story of the Barrett family. They are living a quiet suburban life and trying to make ends meet. That is until some strange and unexplained events around their house make them question their sanity, and could cost them their lives.

When you have seen The X-Files, Fringe, and countless movies on extraterrestrial life forms, this film comes off as a seen that before, not so fright fest. Not to mention it’s dull. The film starts off and we are introduced to the Barrett family. They are struggling to get by in a tough economic climate. Mrs. Barrett (Lacy) sells houses, and Mr. Barrett (Daniel) is out of work. They have two kids (Jesse and Sam), and are living pay cheque to pay cheque. Money is soon to become the least of their worries, as weird events start to happen in and around their home. Strange markings on the walls and furniture moving on its own volition are a precursor to more sinister events. Something is terrorizing this family and the scariest part about it is there is no explanation as to why. The wildlife starts to act bizarrely around their house, the appliances and lights sporadically turn off and on, and painful rashes and bruises appear on their skin. All of these happenings have no rational answers. This film does have a couple of quality jump/scares as things half seen are skillfully added at the right moments. There are not nearly enough of these scary moments though, so the viewer has to pretend to care about a family that is not that interesting to watch. There are also moments of viewer curiosity as to where things are leading, but the film takes a tired approach of arriving at an answer. The obvious one believer and one non believer take, leads to some petty arguments and inane fighting, which is terrible to watch. The first half of the movie is more than enough time to realize that this film is not going to succeed.

The acting is actually not bad with Keri Russell playing Mrs. Barrett, and Josh Hamilton playing Mr. Barrett. Because they are the leads of the movie, the film is actually watchable from an acting stand point. They are a couple stressed about money, stressed about the strange events, and stressed about being parents. Those stresses are noticeable in their faces, and in their interactions with each other. Their kids are played by Dakota (get a haircut kid) Goyo, and Kadan Rockett. I don’t remember them as being bad, so I will say they did a decent job, although I could have done without a super awkward teenage make out session. Lastly, J.K. Simmons is in this to provide a little more acting cred to the roster.

As the film carries on it doesn’t get much better. The family is suffering more and more at the hands of some unknown force. Their bruises become worse, their memories become worse, and their personalities become super erratic. They must find an answer before they are consumed by this phenomenon. And like all horrors these days, if you have a supernatural problem then just Google it, as there will always be an expert close by at your disposal (sigh). The family struggles to fight an enemy that they cannot comprehend, and the viewer watches a film that doesn’t comprehend how to be proper thriller. Topping it all off, the ending is a tired event that will satisfy few, if any. In conclusion, this movie will be much more appreciated by a younger audience. The PG-13 rating limits the effectiveness of most of the scary scenes, and the sheer absence of memorable scares is concerning. The acting saves this film from being truly abysmal, but this film is treading on ground we have already seen. Signs, Fire in the Sky, and X-Files, are all examples of things this movie has rehashed. Lastly, you would think that something with intelligence far beyond ours would not leave signs that are so obvious?

Director and writer Scott Stewart does an okay job with this movie. His core audience (teens) should be happy with this film but it isn’t for everyone. The budget (Est. 3.5 million) hurts some of the scenes with poor special effects, and the sheer lack of times we see these unknown creatures hurts this film as well. He shows he is capable though, as I did jump on a few occasions, and the film was nicely paced and cast. I think with a little more money and a little more originality, this film could have worked.

I cannot recommend this film as the scariest thing about it is that Dakota Goyo thinks that is an acceptable hairstyle.

T Factor + If you like Sci-Fi films then this could score higher on the rating scale.

T Factor – If you like your horror films to be bloody and gory, then this could score lower on the rating scale.

If you liked this film reel recommendations: Signs, Fire in the Sky.