Movie 43

Movie 43

Comedy

2013

Rated: R

Running Time: 94 minutes

Starring: Dennis Quaid, Greg Kinnear, Common, Will Sasso, Seth McFarlane, Hugh Jackman, Kate Winslet, Live Schreiber, Naomi Watts, Anna Farris, Chris Pratt, J.B. Smoove, Kieran Culkin, Emma Stone, Richard Gere, Kate Bosworth, Jack McBrayer, Justin Long, Jason Sudeikis, Uma Thurman, Bobby Cannavale, Aasif Mandvi, Kristen Bell, Leslie Bibb, Katrina Bowden, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Chloe Grace Moretz, Patrick Warburton, Gerard Butler, Seann William Scott, Johnny Knoxville, Halle Berry, Stephan Merchant, Terrence Howard, Elizabeth Banks, Josh Duhamel,  

Directed By: Multiple

Rating: 0 out of 10

Outline

A movie producer pitches a host of ideas to a big wig executive in a last ditch effort to save his career.

Review

My 97 year old grandmother is slightly racist and has partial dementia, and she says things that I would consider funnier and less awkward than what happens in this film. Movie 43 is the story of a down on his luck Hollywood producer. He is pitching a series of movie ideas to a Hollywood executive in the hopes of resurrecting his stalled career.

I was looking forward to watching this film for a long time. The trailer for this movie is arguably the funniest trailer that I have ever seen. You should just YouTube that trailer now, and save yourself from the self inflicted gunshot wound that is this movie. The film starts out and we are introduced to a disheveled looking producer, peddling his grade 2 movie ideas. He is clearly deranged from the first movie pitch. Seeing Hugh Jackman with a pair of testicles on his throat is all you need to know about the quality of humor. The film is just is an odd assortment of the lowest form of humor ever conceived. Not only is the script trolling the bottom of a dirty toilet for its jokes. It relentlessly beats the viewer over the head with them. A girl gets her period for the first time, so let’s make unfunny jokes about it for the next ten minutes. A guy is strangely home schooled by his overbearing parents, so let’s make awkward incest jokes about it for the next ten minutes. A naked female music player mangles guy’s junks, so let’s make inane sexual jokes about it for the next ten minutes. And so on and so on. It is not the crass humor that bothers me. It is more the lack of subtly in its presentation.

Look at this cast and tell me how this could have gone so wrong? I am not going to fault any of the actors/actresses that show up in this movie. They are clearly attempting to appeal to new audiences by trying a genre that is outside of their normal comfort level. Unfortunately, this movie is so bad they will all look back at this with some modicum of regret. Most actors/actresses lament their earlier work as they are just looking for a paying gig. Anyone involved with project can now look back and say without a shadow of a doubt that this is the worst thing on their resume.

As the film carries on it is obvious that it has no clear direction. It just bounces from one abysmal movie pitch to the next. It is an insult to the viewer that they have to sit through so many terrible scenes. I could talk all day about how bad this film is but I will leave you with this thought. I would rather get another kidney stone. I would rather watch Nicolas Cage do Shakespeare. I would rather watch Lizz Winstead do standup comedy. I would rather my nephew break my favorite Star Wars Figure than have to watch this movie again. Toilet humor can work if done right, but this material clogged the toilet.

 As for the directors, it is like all of them got together, smoked peyote, and then asked Andy Dick to write a film for them. Then they filmed it.

I obviously cannot recommend this movie. It is easily one of the worst of 2013.

T Factor + None

T Factor – None

If you liked this film reel recommendations: Scary Movie 3-5, Date Movie.

Scary Movie 5

Scary Movie 5

Comedy (Spoof)

2013

Rated: PG-13

Running Time: 86 minutes

Starring: Ashley Tisdale , Simon Rex

Directed By: Malcolm D. Lee

Rating: 0 out of 10

Outline

Following the Sanders family, this is a movie spoofing the current horror films.

Review

Have you ever stepped in dog crap before? Have you ever been hit in the junk with a hockey puck? Have you ever had to pass a kidney stone? Have you ever stepped on a pin with your bare foot? Did you see the movie The Tree of Life in theatre? I have done all of these things at one point in my life, and I can honestly say they were all more enjoyable than this movie. Scary Movie 5 is the story about the Sanders. They start to experience some paranormal activity after bringing their two young nieces into their house. They need to get to the bottom of this activity before it tears their family apart.

It took exactly 30 seconds to realize that this movie was going to follow in the same pitiful footsteps of Scary Movie 3, and 4. An opening scene where Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan have sex while Yakety Sax plays in the background, is not only painfully stupid, it somehow insults the memory of Benny Hill at the same time. Trust me when I say that this movie never gets any better. This movie follows the storylines of Paranormal Activity, Mama, and Black Swan. It also throws in many references from films like The Evil Dead, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, and Sinister (and many others.) No matter what film they were spoofing, it failed miserably. The Sanders are just a regular couple going through some personal issues. They have agreed to look after their little nieces who were found living in the woods. Shortly after moving the kids in, the Sanders are inundated with creepy sounds and objects that move on their own accord. While most films take a slow progression up to the stupid poop and slapstick humor, Scary Movie 5 repeatedly slaps the viewer in the face with unfunny material from the get go. Someone out there thought that if you mashed enough jokes about having sex with animals, awkward racial stereotypes, and people getting hit in the head that it would make for a good comedy, they were wrong.

Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, Snoop Dogg, Simon Rex, Molly Shannon, Katt Williams, and Heather Locklear. This cast is so bad that it wouldn’t even be asked to do an episode of Hollywood Squares. I won’t waste my time speaking about the acting as I am sure you understand by now how I feel about this movie. The only positive is Ashley Tisdale is easy to watch even if she isn’t remotely funny. Lastly, Jerry O’Connell is in this, and he looks like he is coming off a 2 year coke binge as he is unrecognizable. Trip McNeely looks sickly.  

I have a confession to make; this film was so bad that I had to watch it in three parts. I would tire of the stupidity and go play some Diablo 3 to ease the pain. As I came back and restarted from where I left off, it just reaffirmed my hatred for it. The Sanders realize that they must confront the evil in their house before being destroyed by it. It is in this confrontation that the exact opposite of humor can be found. There are putrid scenes of an intelligent ape confronting the evil entity from Mama. There are stupid scenes about the lesbian love scene from Black Swan. There are inane scenes about the book reading from The Evil Dead. The writers also seemed to think by simply referencing another film that it would make for good comedy, they were wrong. In conclusion, this movie just made me sad. It made me sad that I wasted my life watching it. It made me sad that there are people out there that obviously find these movies funny. It made me sad for the actors that they have fallen so low. Finally, it made me sad to know that Scary 6 will eventually happen.

Director Malcolm D. Lee will get a pass from my criticism as this script allows for zero comedy. He took a broken franchise, threw in some broken actors, and guided this film to a profit. So I guess he earned his paycheck. You should have made Undercover Brother 2 and stayed away from this mess, Mr. Lee.

I cannot recommend this movie. PLEASE DO NOT WATCH THIS.

T Factor + None

T Factor – None

If you liked this film reel recommendations: Superhero Movie, Disaster Movie.  

The Guilt Trip

The Guilt Trip

2012

Comedy: PG-13

Rated: PG-13

Running Time: 95 minutes

Starring: Barbra Streisand, Seth Rogen

Directed By: Anne Fletcher

Rating: 2 out of 10

Outline

A man and his mother go on a road trip across the States.

Review

I never thought I would find another character that was more annoying than Marcia Gay Harden’s from The Mist. Please stand up and take a bow Barbra Streisand, as you now have that dubious achievement to accept. The Guilt Trip is the story of Andy Brewster. He is going on a cross country road trip to sell a cleaning supply that he has invented. His mother travels with him to keep him company.

If you go into this thinking that this a comedy, then you are going to be greatly disappointed. However, if you go into this thinking that it is a touching drama, well, you will still be greatly disappointed. The film starts out and we meet Andy as he tries to peddle his eco-friendly cleaning supply. He is kind of geeky and a little bit awkward, but a guy who is easy to watch. We are then introduced to his mother (Joyce) through hundreds of obnoxious voice mails that she leaves on Andy’s phone. This doesn’t bode well for the film as I instantly hated Joyce from these messages. Wait until you actually get to meet her though, as you are truly up for something special. After some tedious conversations between Andy and his mother, they head out for one of the most depressing road trip movies that I can ever recall. The first half of the movie can be summed up thusly, JOYCE IS UBER ANNOYING! She doesn’t shut the F up for the entire film. “Why are you single? I have a coupon. Are you drinking lots water? I have a book on tape. Why are you single? Are you drinking lots of water? We don’t need an SUV. We can share a room. Why are you single? Are you drinking lots of water? Your hair is messy.” This pithy dialogue goes on and on and on. Maybe I am being so harsh on this film because I don’t believe in unconditional love when it comes to family. If I don’t like you, I simply won’t talk to you even if we are related. I am more inclined to believe that this film is simply awful. I cannot believe someone can relate to this film because Joyce is easily the most overbearing mother ever. If you can relate to this film then I just feel sorry for you, truly I do.

Andy is played by Seth Rogen. Why would he even do this sort of film? I am not sure if Rogen lost a bet or if he owed someone a favor, but he just seems lost in this. It is not just him being unfunny; he doesn’t look like he wants to even be on screen. Barbra Streisand plays Joyce. All I will say is she is the worst character ever. She played it well, but I simply loathed everything about her. Not only did I care less if Andy and Joyce bonded on this trip, I wanted them to get into a horrendous car crash so Joyce would stop talking. Truly awful characters played with little thought to pleasing the viewer.

As the film carries on it never really gets any better. Andy meets with various buyers from different companies as they cross the states. Of course, Joyce is always there telling Andy what to do, how to sell, and what to wear. When Andy is not trying to sell his invented cleaning supply, they are going to random venues and getting into trouble together. Joyce drinks, gambles, gorges herself on food, and keeps offering her 2 cents worth. Andy sleeps, worries about money, and practices his selling techniques. No matter what the scenario, the film just feels wrong. A surprising heartfelt ending is not enough to save this film as it was too little and WAY too late. In conclusion, I smiled a couple of times but never laughed. Barbra Streisand’s character was so repugnant to me that this film could not have worked with her in it. The road trip scenario has been done dozens of times on film, and this may be the worst of the bunch. This film was wretched from the start, and to the people who say this film is touching, you are wrong.

Director Anne Fletcher put together a film that is truly perplexing. If this is supposed to be comedy, then this is the weakest form of humor there is. If this is supposed to be a drama, then the characters are so repulsive that it is impossible to buy into. Stupid scenarios and an overall tone of depression makes this film impossible to enjoy. When you make a film and Seth Rogen cannot make me laugh, then you know you have failed.

I cannot recommend this film and please don’t let anyone guilt you into seeing it.

T Factor + If you like your comedies without crass or vulgar humor then this could score higher on the rating scale.

T Factor – If you do not like Barbra Streisand then this could score lower on the rating scale.

If you liked this film reel recommendations: Identity Thief, Parental Guidance.

Dead Before Dawn

Dead Before Dawn

Horror (Comedy)

2012

Rated: R

Running Time: 88 minutes

Starring: Christopher Lloyd, Devon Bostick, Martha MacIsaac, Brittany Allen

Directed By: April Mullen

Rating: 0 out of 10

Outline

A group of college kids must survive the night after the worlds populace turns into Zemons.

Review

“I wish the writers of Saved by the Bell penned a zombie movie.” -  Said by no one ever. My brother recently passed me this movie for review, and all I can say is that I owe him a Liam Neeson styled throat punch for making me watch this. Dead Before Dawn is the story of a group of college kids. They unknowingly set off an evil curse that turns the world’s populace into Zombie/Demon hybrids. They have until dawn of the next day to reverse the curse or its effects will become permanent.

I have watched thousands upon thousands of movies. I can honestly say that this film easily cracks the top 20 worst movies that I have ever seen. It might even be in the top 10. It only takes about 2 minutes to realize that this film is going to suck nuds. The film starts out and we see the group of college friends as they go about their daily lives. They worry about things like school projects, and who is going to win the next big football game. Their lives are about to be flipped upside down by an evil curse. A random artifact sitting in a store for the occult is accidentally opened and a dark terror is unleashed upon the world. People lose the will to live and then come back as zombie/demons (better known as Zemons.) Yes, Zemons is the best they could come up with. This may be the most confusing blend of humor/horror that I have ever come across. The film’s writing is clearly targeting the YTV crowd (Thanks for the unknown television show reference, Canadian Dude! It will be Nickelodeon to my American friends.) Yet there is swearing and blood, making this film rated R. So it is not targeting kids or adults, which is a brilliant move! The film is little more than the group of friends traversing the city, looking for a cure and trying to survive.

Things you can expect:

1. Terrible looking zombies and poor special effects of them dying.

2. The living French kissing Zemons for some inexplicable reason.

3. Humor that only the simple minded could love.

4. Awkward scenes of love/romantic interests.

5. Acting that would make Hayden Christensen say “Damn, that is some bad acting!”

I won’t talk about the acting as it is beyond description. It looked like every scene in this film was shot in one take. The actors look to be adlibbing most of the time. If any of these people make it big than this will be their Jennifer Aniston, Leprechaun movie. Once again we have the dumbest group of friends ever. There is a clumsy nerd, a hipster, a jock, a douche bag, an air head, a bookworm, and an alternative girl, WHO ARE ALL FRIENDS. It is so they can have a broad spectrum for comedy, but it fails across the board.

This gets increasingly harder to watch as the film goes on. The kids fight the Zemons with the most ridiculous weapons possible (Grenades, Ninja Stars, a Hoberman Sphere.) The Zemons seem more intent on making noise and chasing the group than actually trying to kill anyone. To say this film is juvenile is an understatement. The film cannot come to an end quick enough and makes me question why the zombie genre has so many terrible films. In conclusion, go to the dentist, do your taxes, or even call up your ex. I guarantee it will be a more enjoyable experience than this film ever was.

April Mullen directed this. I will not say anything negative as it is more the script (Tim Doiron) that makes this film as bad as it is. She keeps the film fast paced so although it is still horrendously stupid, it is never slow. Sorry April, that is the best I got for you.

I cannot recommend this film, and Christopher Lloyd has been the same age for the last 30 years….maybe he is a Zemon?

T Factor + If you like kids films or spoof movies, then this could score higher on the rating scale.

T Factor – None.

If you liked this film reel recommendations: Stan Helsing, Date Movie

The Victim

The Victim

Thriller

2011

Rated: R

Running Time: 83 minutes

Starring: Michael Biehn, Danielle Harris, Jennifer Blanc

Directed By: Michael Biehn

Rating: 0.5 out of 10

Outline

A man living in a remote cabin is inundated with unwanted visitors.

Review

I saw Danielle Harris on the cover of this DVD and said to myself, why not. A little voice in my mind told me that this was going to be bad, but I could never have imagined what levels of wretchedness that this movie would get to. The Victim is the story of a man living by himself in a remote cabin. He is minding his own business when a group of visitors show up unannounced.

I am not entirely sure who the victim was supposed to be in this movie. Was it one of its unfortunate characters? Or was it the viewer for having to sit through this drivel? Anyways, the movie starts off and I actually found it to be a quite interesting beginning. You see the guy from the remote cabin, shopping for some supplies. You see a woman being chased through the woods, and you see another woman having sex in the woods. You will be wondering how the film connects with these three different storylines. I am here to tell you that it is not worth the wait. It is as if the director (Biehn) didn’t know where the story was going so he edited the film without care or thought. What happens is this film is cluttered and entirely disjointed. Not only that, virtually nothing happens for the first hour of this movie. You see strippers doing cocaine and trying on skimpy outfits, you see lots of conversations about nothing, you see lots of driving around in the dark, and you see plenty of nudity. What you won’t see is anything remotely representing a decent movie. The different groups of visitors descend on the man’s remote cabin with tales of murder and deceit, but the stories they tell are fraught with boredom and little else. The deep woods are supposed to illicit unknown fears, not feelings of your time being wasted.

The acting was a fail across the board in this. It is as if the actors were handed the script right before the scene was shot, and then had a hard time recalling their lines. The worst of the bunch was clearly Jennifer Blanc. She plays a stripper on the run named Eva. She was little more than an ample filled sweater in this film. Her delivery is cringe worthy, and her emotional range is non-existent.

As the film carries on it never really settles into any specific genre. If this is supposed to be horror, there is no horror. If this film is supposed to be a thriller, there are no thrills. If this film is supposed to be an exploitation film, there is no exploitation. The film is little more than a tale of corrupt cops, scantily clad strippers, and a creepy dude in a cabin. And trees, lots and lots of trees, and when you think something actually might happen, more trees. The many scenes of torture and the abrupt scene of Rob Zombieish (Yes I just used the word Zombieish) styled violence will not arouse any emotions in the viewer. The ending sees a conclusion to why the visitors have arrived at the cabin, but the twist is asinine. In conclusion, this film sucked out loud from about the 5 minute mark to the very end. It has little going for it except two things. The first thing is no matter the time, no matter how life or death the situation, no matter the place, and no matter if you just met, it is always appropriate to have sex to save yourself (and it also is apparently an effective tool, pardon the pun.) The second thing is if you are going to have a movie about a cabin in the woods, get Joss Whedon to help.

Director and writer Michael Biehn seems lost in this endeavor. What happened to this dude? I thought he was going to be big after seeing him in Terminator and Aliens, back in the day. Now he is creating movies that The SyFy network would be embarrassed to put on. The musical score in this is awful and the editing is amateurish. The camera work coupled with the weak acting makes this film a snooze fest instead of gripping. I will not hold it against Biehn as this film had a miniscule budget (Est. 800,000) but wow this was awful.

I cannot recommend this movie. I gave it 0.5 solely for the fact that I love Danielle Harris.

T Factor + If you love horror and grind house styled films then this could score higher on the rating scale.

T Factor – None

If you liked this film reel recommendations: Vacancy, The Strangers.

Hypothermia

Hypothermia

Horror

2010

Rated: R

Running Time: 73 minutes

Starring: Michael Rooker

Directed By: James Felix McKenney

Rating: 0 out of 10

Outline

A group of ice fishermen are stalked by a monster living in a frozen lake.

Review

It is funny that this movie is called Hypothermia when not a single character in this suffers from that affliction. This movie should be renamed to “The Shittiest Monster Movie Ever Made.” Hypothermia is the story of a group of people trying their hand at ice fishing. What should be a relaxing weekend quickly turns into a battle for their lives. It turns out that something is stalking them from below the ice.

This movie needs to be erased from existence. From the terrible acting to the atrocious dialogue, this film is one of the worst I have ever seen. The frozen lake that the group is fishing on seems ripe for murder, and yet it never works even once to scare the viewer. The monster stalks them from the water and all you can think about is why was this movie even made? I am not going to pick on this movie for long as I have other reviews to write. All I will say is that the main problem is with the creature itself. When it first showed up I almost shot Diet Coke out my nose. It looks like a guy wearing a generic Halloween monster costume that can be found at your local Toys R Us. And not one of the expensive ones either. The creature tracks the group of fishermen with a cartoonish, red haze vision. The haze looks cheaply drawn into the film, and it is immensely overused. When the creature does attack the fisherman, you will be unsure of what exactly is happening due to awful camera work. Often times, one of the group members will come away with a cut that you will have no idea how it happened. Apparently, leaving the lake is not an option as the monster boringly picks them off one by one. It is more comical than scary to watch. If this movie was made in the 1950’s it would still have been said to have bad special effects. In conclusion, this film is NOT to be watched for any reason. It is chalk full of characters you could care less about, and is replete with killing sequences that will leave you shaking your head. There is little blood, little gore, and little common sense. This movie is the definition of horrendous.

Director James Felix McKenney is the Rebecca Black of the movie industry. He makes Uwe Boll look like Frank Capra. It is pointless to ramble on about his weak spots as he has too many. He clearly has an audience I am just not sure who that is. This is one of the worst shot movies of all time.

I cannot recommend this film. Putting your hand into liquid nitrogen would be a better time than watching Hypothermia.

T Factor + If you like D grade monster movies then this could score higher on the rating scale.

T Factor – None

If you liked this movie reel recommendations: Piranha 3DD, Lake Placid.

ATM

ATM

Drama (Horror, Thriller)

2012

Rated: R

Running Time: 90 minutes

Starring: Brian Geraghty, Josh Peck, Alice Eve

Directed By: David Brooks

Rating: 0 out of 10

Outline

Three people are trapped in an ATM building as a menacing stalker patrols outside.

Review

I would like to thank everyone involved with this movie for two reasons. The first reason is for wasting an hour and a half of my time. The second reason is that now I have ATM movies in my internet search history. That is going to look awesome if I suddenly pass away and cannot explain their presence on my computer. ATM is the story of three coworkers (David, Emily, Corey.) They stop off to use an ATM in the middle of the night so they have cash for pizza. What should be a routine money withdrawal turns frightening, as a man outside prevents them from leaving.

ATM stands for Automated Teller Machine. It should stand for Another Terrible Movie (That would have won on Acrophobia back in the day.) I am too tired to do a review so I am going to change it up a little. Here is my long list of complaints.

David is lame, Corey is a douche, and Emily is little more than vapid, eye candy. They are not characters you will care a lick about. They work in finance and yet they act like children. Stupid remarks and the does she like me, or doesn’t she like me dialogue is hard to sit through. It does not start the movie off on the right note.

Brian Geraghty, Josh Peck, and Alice Eve are the actors playing these characters. They are all rigid and awful in this.

Corey provides the biggest cock block in the history of the world. No one would act like he does.

The ATM building that they drive to is in the middle of nowhere. Why does this ATM even exist? And there must have been an ATM closer to the pizza place, and there must be an ATM that doesn’t look like a murder house.

David parks the car 60 to 70 feet from the ATM. It is below zero outside so why wouldn’t he park closer?

The reason how they all end up inside the ATM building is absurd, and why none of them have a cell phone with them is even more absurd.

They are afraid of a normal sized guy dressed in Han Solo’s outfit from Hoth. He is supposed to be huge and menacing. He just looks like a regular guy.

The attacker doesn’t have a weapon when they first encounter him so why are they so scared for no reason?

This movie is not scary or intense.

When they realize they are being threatened, they stay in the building instead of all three of them trying to overpower their attacker. Or even better yet, why wouldn’t they just run for it?

Why was the attacker hanging around in this place to harass people?

The dialogue is appalling.

The police don’t show up when they vandalize the ATM. That makes no sense as people would just rob it at will then.

Sometimes you can see their breaths because of the frigid temperature and other times you can’t.

This movie isn’t scary or intense.

Ultimately, the attacker’s plan for the three victims is maddeningly complex, and it is non-plausible in the fact that the ATM building is not vacuum sealed.

The ending is balls, and will make you want to tear out your hair.

Director David Brooks had very little to work with, as this script is just plain bad (Chris Sparling.) There is obviously a lot wrong with this film, but the worst is that it takes place in a solitary location. It is the hardest thing to do in film as you just run out of things that could reasonably happen. So you stretch the credibility of the story by having to add random characters and stupid character decisions. I reserve judgment on Brook’s technique as no one could have made this film work.

I cannot recommend this film as it is as bad as trying to take out money from an ATM and it saying NSF.

T Factor + If you like B grade horror then this could score higher on the rating scale.

T Factor - None

If you liked this film reel recommendations: Buried, Phone Booth 

Piranha 3DD

Piranha 3DD

2012

Horror (Thriller, Comedy)

Rated: R

Running Time: 83 minutes

Starring: Danielle Panabaker, Matt Bush, Katrina Bowden, David Koechner, David Hasselhoff, Christopher Llyod, Gary Busey.

Directed By: John Gulager

Rating: 0 out of 10

Outline

Man eating prehistoric piranha threaten the lives of some people swimming at an adult themed water park.

Review

My 96 year old grandmother recently told me that she used to love hotdogs. She told me that she loved them so much that she used to swallow them whole. I tell you this for two reasons. The first reason I tell you, is that I should not be the only one that should have to hear that. The second reason I tell you, is so that you can fully appreciate that I am an expert on the term, devastatingly awful. This movie is devastatingly awful. Piranha 3DD is the sequel to 2010’s Piranha.  In the aftermath of the events at Lake Victoria, prehistoric piranhas make their way to a newly opened water park.

So while Alexandre Aja’s 2010 film, Piranha, was not a recommendation from me. It was fun in a schlocky, homage to the 80’s horror sort of way. This film also goes for the so bad it is funny angle, and yet it comes off as it is so bad it is putrid angle. The clever title of this film aside, this movie should be erased from existence, in my mind. If you need an indicator of if you should watch this film or not. Gary Busey and David Hasselfhoff are in it. I will let you proceed as you will from there. This film starts out very much like the first. It sees the introduction of the Piranhas to a lake, which happens to be right beside a newly opened water park. The devastation that these menacing fish wreak is quite evident, as they tear through the local wildlife. From there, the film quickly degenerates into as much nudity and bloody nonsense as one can fit into an 83 minute movie. Why so much nudity you ask? Because the water park is an adult themed water park….of course it is. So as the film continues along, you are treated to missing teenagers, near deaths, and lots of women stripping out of their bikinis. Maddy, a local and a reluctant co owner of the water park, realizes something is wrong as she has a close encounter with the deadly biters. Her pleas of danger, fall on mostly deaf ears as the deadly fish try to find a way into the water park.

It is not even worth my time to mention the acting. I compliment them for being working actors and all, but I feel bad they are reduced to these types of roles. Danielle Panabaker and Katrina Bowden are little more than eye candy in this. Actor David Koechner is as unfunny as always. David Hasselhoff, Christopher Lloyd, and Gary Busey, all just look old and beat down. There is the obvious nerd, the stupid cop, the corrupt water park owner, and any other clichéd character you can think of. The acting is as bad as one would expect. On a side note, if you can make it to the end credits, then you will be treated to a mini music video starring the Hoff. (it is easily the best thing about this movie.)

As the film carries along, it follows the exact same formula as the first film. The fish kill at will as they somehow go unnoticed by the general populace. The piranhas are waiting and biding their time for the right moment to strip the skin from every swimmer in the water park. Some of the Oscar worthy things the viewer can expect are, plastic tridents thrown at 300 mph, fish trying to swim up people’s B-holes, motorboat (not the vehicle) decapitations, and private parts being removed. The film is a disaster and it is really insulting to anyone who paid money to see this. In conclusion, this film is not funny, not scary, not interesting, not entertaining, and not worth your time.

Director John Gulager, obviously disappointed me with this film. I actually liked his first movie, Feast, in all its campiness. He tries to recreate that camp but failed miserably in the attempt. There is nothing more to say on this topic other than he has made a movie that is firmly on my top 100 worst list.

I cannot recommend this film as all it does is take a bite out of the actor’s dignity.

T Factor + If you are RABID fan of low grade horror then this could score higher on the rating scale.

T Factor – None

If you liked this film reel recommendations: Frankenfish, Lake Placid

Dead Man

Dead Man

1995

Drama (Western)

Rated: R

Running Time: 121 minutes

Starring: Johnny Depp, Gary Farmer, Crispin Glover, Lance Henriksen, John Hurt, Robert Mitchum, Iggy Pop, Gabriel Byrne, Billy Bob Thornton, Alfred Molina.

Directed By: Jim Jarmusch

Rating: 1.5 out of 10

Outline

A man is pursued into the wilderness after killing a man. He befriends an Indian who guides him through the forest and in his spiritual life.

Review

This is my second entry into the movie club (DJ’s Digital Movie Club) which can be found on Facebook. Imagine if you will that directors David Lynch, Terrence Malick, and Wes Anderson were able to somehow have a love child together (shudder.) That love child then grew up to be a director, and that is where we find ourselves with this film. Taking place sometime in the 19^th century, Dead Man is the story of William Blake. He is on the run after killing a man, and meets up with a strange Indian (named Nobody) in the woods. Together they stay one step ahead of their pursuers as Nobody guides Blake into the spiritual realm.

At best this movie could be described as pretentious nonsense. At worst it could be described as Art House drivel. Shot in black and white, the movie starts out and we encounter William Blake as he rides on a train. He is on the way to the town of Machine for an accounting job. Most viewers will know if this movie is for them from this train ride alone. With the constant fade to blacks, prolonged dialogue silences, and strange character interactions, it is all a little too much for my liking. The film never really breaks out of this strange style, and it lost me entirely from about the time Blake heads out in to the wilderness as a wanted man. The film than becomes little more than philosophical meandering between Blake and the Indian (Nobody.) As your eyes slowly start to close from all inane dialogue, you will be jilted awake by one of the most obnoxious musical scores that I can ever recall. Neil Young has cranked his guitar to 11 and basically plays the same notes for the whole damn film. Equal parts bored and annoyed, the movie is all over the place in terms of style and one wonders what the hell is happening. At one point the film can be excessively violent as a bullet rips through a man’s throat. The next moment it sees Three Stooge’s type comedy as a few men share some beans in the forest, which then turns into a foolish argument. This film is classified as a journey and it is. It is just not a fun journey. Like when you are on a plane, and are stuck sitting between two kids blasting the music on their IPhones.

The acting is hard to judge in this because the film is so out there. William Blake is played by Johnny Depp, and he is fine as the lead. His strange and quirky look is well suited for a film of this ilk. He is supported by Gary Farmer playing Nobody. Farmer’s performance is strange as he reminded me of Steven Seagal mixed with Graham Green. He is almost a caricature of a real Native American, and it comes off as odd. The rest of the cast is played by a bevy of well known actors. John Hurt, Alfred Molina, Gabriel Byrne, and many more fill out this great cast but add nothing to the film. Forced to act as a varied example of strange characters, the host of supporting actors go through the motions of trying to give this film scope but fail in the attempt.

I liken this film to a piece of strange art that is hanging on a wall of a museum. You stare at it wondering what the hell the artist is trying to say and not fully getting it. You can walk away from a piece of art though. With this film you are stuck in your own personal purgatory. Dissect this film all you want. You can call it allegorical, satirical, existential, and it is rife with symbolism and metaphors. If I needed all of those things, I would hop into a DeLorean, head back to grade 11 English and read Michael Ondaatje again. I struggled to finish this film as it just becomes more and more bizarre. Blake cuddles with a dead fawn, Nobody trips out on peyote, and people are viciously killed in an attempt to capture William Blake. The ending could not come quick enough (and it doesn’t) and it goes out the way it started, poorly. In conclusion, this film is not made for the everyday film watcher. It is made more for film students and for people who like to discuss the meaning of every scene. Call it whatever you want, I call it a hard sell.

Director and writer Jim Jarmusch has created a spiritual journey that some will applaud, while others will loathe. I will grant him two things. He has the power to stop time with this film, and that you can make a film under the influence of narcotics. He lost me at almost every turn, and it was a struggle to find any shred of a coherent thought to this film. His pacing, musical score, and dialogue are all wearisome. I have not seen another Jarmusch film and it will be a long time before I can go back to his vision of good theatre.

I cannot recommend this film and while granted I am not familiar with William Blake’s poetry, even if I was, I don’t think this would be my type of film.

T Factor + If you are a student of film, and like to discuss symbolism and metaphors in your movies, then this could score WAY higher on the rating scale.

T Factor – If you do not like Johnny Depp as an actor, then this could score lower on the rating scale.

If you liked this film reel recommendations: Adaptation, Broken Flowers. 

Atrocious

Atrocious

2010

Drama (Horror, Thriller, Foreign)

Rated: R

Running Time: 75 minutes

Starring: Cristian Valencia, Clara Morelada

Directed By: Fernando Barredo Luna

Rating: 0 out of 10

Outline

A family is brutally murdered, and this details the five days preceding their demise.

Review

I was a fan of The Blair Witch Project, and I am a fan of found footage movies but the style has gotten old, very fast. Sometimes I wish Blair Witch was never made because anyone with a camera thinks they can make a horror movie these days. So, I am just guessing, but this is how I envisioned how this movie came about. The producer or director found a 50 dollar bill on the road and had access to a couple of video cameras. They then spent a night writing the script, and cast a couple of their buddies to act in it and voila, you have this movie. Atrocious is the story of the Quintanilla family, who were found murdered at their country home. The film details the last 5 days leading up to their grisly murders.

I know horror purists will say lighten up on my judgment of this film but I HATED everything about it. Hate might even be too lenient a word for my liking. The film gets underway and by underway I mean the camera is on. We are introduced to the Quintanilla family as they make their way to their country estate. Two of the children (Cristian and July) have decided to make a film about a local legend. That legend details the disappearance of the Girl in the Garraf woods. The first 50 minutes of this film basically shows the two kids walking around the expansive property filming random things. They film all around the inside of the house. They film in the basement. They film on the outside property. Lastly, they film in an expansive hedge maze that is neighboring the property. All this filming will put most viewers to sleep. There are inexplicable scenes of Cristian getting lost and narrating his entire adventure. There are exhausting scenes of the kids walking around in the maze. Finally, there is too much talking about things unrelated to the movie that they are supposed to be shooting. There is one scene where they interview a local man about the Legend of Garraf woods but that is about it, which is puzzling. The film has the perfect setting for frights and carnage, but can never pull the trigger. The house is older and sparsely furnished, but it is underutilized. The basement is cramped and creepy, but it is underutilized. The hedge maze is claustrophobic and large, but it is underutilized. All these great areas for horror that the director fails to derive any fear from.

The acting was poor, but no one could have saved this movie. Cristian is played by Cristian Valencia and his performance was spotty. When he wasn’t yelling at July for various things, he was breathing heavily into the microphone on the camera. The breathing is very distracting and makes you want to mute the film on numerous occasions. His sister July is played by Clara Moraleda, and she does little better. Her delivery is unbelievable in a number of spots and her screams are ear drum shattering. Long after most people would have given up, July keeps screaming and screaming. Her performance was infuriating when she was under duress in this film. The two of them also suffer from what is known as MIS (Movie Idiot Syndrome.) They explore the hedge maze after they think they see someone in it, they explore it after they see murdered animals in it, and they explore it after they get lost in it. All of that is happening and they don’t tell anyone about what’s going on. To be fair, Valencia and Moraleda do seem comfortable during the down time scenes (WHICH IS THE WHOLE MOVIE) and do come off as believable siblings. At this point though, you could really care less.

Some people will say this movie is the epitome of a slow burn, I thought it snuffed itself out around the 30 minute mark. Every scene seems to drag on for 2 to 8 minutes longer than necessary. A perfect example of this is a nighttime scene in the hedge maze that carries on for like 8 minutes. It works for the first 2 minutes; you are irritated by minute 5, and then are pissed off by minute 8. The whole movie is shot this way. The camera work is a nauseating mess, and it looks like the camera man is giving a Dutch Rudder while trying to film. The end is a twist that no one will care about, and it leaves the viewer a little confused as to what some of the footage was all about. Doors opening on their own accord, unseen hands grabbing at them from the dark, and malfunctioning cameras are all haphazardly thrown into this film without thought or care. In conclusion, this movie is ATROCIOUS! No frights, no scares, no ingenuity, only boredom. The setting is the only positive thing and that is it.

  

Director and writer Fernando Barreda Luna, is clearly a student of horror so it is puzzling as why this movie was so bad. He uses elements of Blair Witch, REC, the Shining, and many other found footage films, but it comes off as cheap and amateurish. He tries to build the tension but always passes the threshold of what could be considered scary and he enters into the territory of asinine. The camera work is poor, the casting is poor, the story is poor, and the direction is poor. If he had more money could this have


worked? Maybe, but this movie never worked on any level for me.

I cannot recommend this movie and it easily takes a spot on my top hundred worst movie list.

T Factor + If you like found footage movies than this could score higher on the rating scale.

T Factor – None

If you liked this movie reel recommendations: Grave Encounters, V/H/S

Quarantine 2: Terminal

Quarantine 2: Terminal

Horror

2011

Rated: R

Running Time: 86 minutes

Starring: Josh Cooke

Directed By: John Pogue

Rating: 1 out of 10

Outline

A plane full of passengers is quarantined at an airport terminal after they are exposed to a deadly virus.

Review

I am not sure why they make 4 or 5 sequels to every horror movies these days but here we are. After an entertaining but mediocre first installment, we find ourselves with the second Quarantine film, that is best left unseen. This film has all the appeal of catching a horrible disease or having to watch Nicolas Cage do Shakespeare. Quarantine 2 is the story of a plane flight afflicted with a mysterious virus. After the plane is forced to land, the passengers are quarantined in an airplane baggage terminal.

What do 5 dollars and a dream get you? Apparently, the answer is a horrible sequel. The film starts off and the first thing you will notice is the poor quality of the cameras. It is not a deal breaker, but it is a major distraction. After a short preamble where we meet the passengers boarding the plane, the movie then properly gets underway. The film inexplicably tries to make you guess where the virus could come from. It could come from the copilot who looks like a walking zombie. It could come from a passenger that is constantly sneezing. It could come from some animals stored in the luggage compartment. Or it could be from a cat that was carried onto the plane. The secrecy behind the origin of the virus is unneeded and quite frankly, dumb. So the plane takes off and the viewer is treated to the most random flight ever. There is a 400 pound man trying to hit on the flight attendants, there is a man with Parkinson’s that cannot talk, there is the douchiest guy on the planet that won’t get off his cell phone, and so on and so forth. When you think things cannot get any worse, the viewer is then treated with things like animals walking around the plane, a guy getting fellatio from his girlfriend, and 30 year old flight attendants discussing boys like a couple of teenagers. The film’s first act is equal parts bizarre and stupid. After a passenger shows signs of unknown distress, the plane is forced to land. What the viewer is forced to sit through for the next hour or so is appalling, and somehow should have been used to torture the suspected terrorists in the movie, Zero Dark Thirty.

The acting is not good and that is putting it politely. I am not going to rip on the actors though, as it is mostly out of their control. The spotty dialogue, shitty cameras, and inane character personalities all conspire against them. The only person I have to point out, was a character named George, played by Mattie Liptak. This kid needs acting school ASAP. He somehow ruined a movie that already sucked out loud. He basically reminded me of an emo Justin Bieber, or I guess Justin Bieber. I cannot express enough on how much I hated this kid’s performance.

So the passengers are quarantined in a small area, and the virus passes between them by various means. It stalks them in the bites of the infected, both animal and human. They are shot on sight if they leave the hangar, so they have to find another means of escape. What should be a scary and tension filled time, is mind numbingly dull. The passengers turn into slobbering zombies that patrol the terminal for fresh meat. They are super strong, they are stealthy, they are everywhere, and lastly, they are not remotely scary. The film does have a high body count, lots of blood, and plenty of screaming zombies that tear and rend flesh. What it doesn’t have is any sense of realism. As the film comes to a close it tries to explain where the virus came from and why the government is wary of it, but you won’t care. In conclusion, this movie is one of the worst that I have seen in a long time. I sat blank faced and care free watching this, and I wasn’t remotely interested in the characters or the story. It has an odd moment of blood, but it is ruined by the low budget and terrible camera work.

Director and writer, John Pogue, has put together just an awful film. It fails on every level and frankly it is shocking to me that it got made. To be fair, with the lack of budget and no name actors, this film was destined to fail. If you have seen the first Quarantine, then this movie can be missed as it is just a copycat in a different locale. I do applaud Pogue for not using the found footage technique but that is about it. I won’t judge him as he had little to work with, but by god this was a disaster.

I cannot give this movie a recommendation as I rather get rabies then watch another film like this.

T Factor + If you like B grade horror then this could score higher on the rating scale.

T Factor – If you like realistic blood and gore in your horror then this could score lower on the rating scale.

If you liked this film reel recommendations: 28 weeks later, Dawn of the Dead.