Red Planet

Red Planet

2000

Action (Sci-Fi)

Rated: PG-13

Running Time: 106 minutes

Starring: Val Kilmer, Tom Sizemore, Benjamin Bratt, Carrie-Anne Moss, Simon Baker, Terence Stamp.

Directed By: Antony Hoffman

Rating: 3.5 out of 10

Outline

A space crew heads to Mars to check on the progress to colonize it.

Review

The fourth planet from the sun has always been the royalty planet in the Sci-Fi world. There is something so enticing about a planet decked out all in red. Mars in movies has held human colonies and it has been the source of mining expeditions. It has sent a vast host of alien creature types to take over our planet and exterminate our race. In fact there have been so many books and movies about Mars that it is hard to pull off an original successful story about the planet. So when I popped in this movie I didn’t have much hope and my concerns were justified. Red Planet is the story of earth in the mid 21^st century. A small group of astronauts head to Mars to see what has happened to its stalled Terra forming plans. What should be a routine visit turns into a mission for survival.

A quick introduction and short synopsis of the small space crew was a strange choice for this film. Each character is presented with a few adjectives defining their personalities and then we are off to Mars. Some people might like the lack of depth in the character backgrounds while others will find it a little too quick to start off a film. I kind of liked it because really this isn’t some dramatic film to inspire emotional responses. While it might have made the crews struggle for survival a little tenser if they were developed more, I still felt it was a good start. As the crew heads to Mars on a futuristic space shuttle nothing much happens. They discuss the importance of their mission and the finer points of theology but for the most part it is just innocuous film watching.  The film doesn’t really get going until they make it onto the Mars surface and start looking for a surface station. By get going I mean walking around and nothing really happening. If you have seen one space movie than this film will not impress you at all. They run into the typical Mars problems. Space suit malfunctions, inclement weather, bickering about directions. It is a sad entry into the Sci-Fi world and it just never clicks.

It has a very capable cast but a forgettable one also. Val Kilmer plays this surfer looking mechanic named Gallagher. Carrie-Anne Moss plays the ship captain Bowman. Tom Sizemore plays doctor Burchenal. They are not terrible and yet they bring nothing of worth to the table. By far the worst performance is turned in by Benjamin Bratt. He is playing Lt. Santen who is a tough guy and a playboy. He is so unbelievable as this flashy and macho character that all I could picture was him holding Julia Roberts purse as he escorted her down the red carpet as he acted. He has laughable in the role.

As the crew fights for their lives one wonders where the story is going to go with this. Are they going to be attacked by Aliens? Do they run out of oxygen? Do they kill each other? I am not going to ruin it but what the crew faces for survival just sucks the life out of the film. The crew is picked off one by one with many different causes but what stalks them from the shadows is the dumbest thing I have seen in a movie in a long time. All I will say is apparently someone has a thing for the play Cats and the movie Short Circuit. Also when a crew member is killed the visuals tended to be sloppy and shaky losing the overall effect. What I will say positive about the film is the special effects for the most part are crisp and believable (Not including scenes with fire because they were terrible). The space ship and planet are very well put together and little things like futuristic space maps and tools are nice touches. Bottom line though this film just had too many things thrown at the viewer. The crew faces too many obstacles for one film to be taken seriously.

Director Antony Hoffman looks to be a one and done director after this debacle. This film tanked on so many levels including at the box office. With a healthy budget (70 Mill approx) and a decent cast this film somehow never got where it was supposed to go. The deaths are anticlimactic, the story is bland, and the struggles for survival illicit little joy. The effects are good but not enough to save this film. He has not worked since so I must not be the only one he upset with this.

I cannot recommend this film. It is a stale entry into the world of space and will be quickly forgotten in Sci-Fi circles everywhere.

T Factor + If you like movies about space then this could score higher on the rating scale.

T Factor – If you have seen lots of movies about space than this could score lower on the rating scale.

If you liked this film reel recommendations: Mission to Mars, Total Recall.

Just Friends

Just Friends

Comedy

2005

Rated: PG-13

Running Time: 96 minutes

Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Amy Smart, Anna Faris, Chris Klein, Chris Marquette

Directed By: Roger Krumble

Rating: 6.5 out of 10

Outline

A guy runs into his high school crush years later and wants another shot after she put him in the friend zone so many years ago.

Review

Youth and unrequited love will be a story that will never get old in Hollywood. Most people have gone through pain and heartache when they are young so it is a story people can easily relate to. Just Friends is the story of Chris Brander. He is back in his hometown for the Christmas holidays and runs into his old high school crush and best friend Jamie Palamino. Her rejection of his advances back in high school turned him into a serial player and jaded him on the whole theory of love.

The film starts off and seeing actor Ryan Reynolds in high school and in a fat suit prepares you for a pretty decent comedy. Shoot ten years into the future and Chris Brander is fit, he is a womanizer, and he is a powerful music agent. Fate sees him back in New Jersey for the Holidays and the film gets underway. The film is not going to win any awards for best screen play but what it lacks in originality it more than makes up in charm. This film is all about second chances in life. Chris runs into Jamie and realizes he is still in love. It is in this courtship where the movie is the funniest. Chris tries everything he can think of to impress Jamie but nothing works. He drives an expensive car, he dresses nice, he talks a big game, he even takes her skating but it all goes horribly wrong. Throughout his failed dating plans you will find yourself laughing at Branders hilarious spaz outs and ability to inflict accidental bodily harm to himself and others.

Chris Brander played by Ryan Reynolds is no stranger to comedy (Van Wilder, Buying the Cow) so it is not a surprise he was good in this film. He is great as a geek in a fat suit and is a very believable music agent. His looks kind of detract from the role as it is hard to believe he would have trouble getting a woman but it is a comedy so it is easy to ignore. His crush Jamie Palamino is played by Amy Smart. She is a perfect leading lady in this and has that look and personality to fit the role. The film also has a solid supporting cast that adds many laughs. Top pop music artist Samantha James is played by Anna Faris and she brings the goods. She is hilarious as this ditzy Britney Spears type of personality. Her interactions with the blue collar folk of New Jersey only adds to this film. Mike Brander (Chris’s Brother) played by Chris Marquette was good in an loud and dorky way and Dusty Dinkleman played by Chris Klein plays this smooth EMT guy also vying for Jamie’s affection quite well. With two good leads and a veteran core of supporting comedic actors this film had to work.

This film really covers it all. It has Chris struggling to balance work and his budding relationship with Jamie. It has him freaking out on his family, himself, Dusty Dinkleman, Samantha James when things don’t go his way. When he is not freaking out he is usually destroying property or generally doing and saying dorky thinks. Viewers can take solace in the fact that someone so rich and put together can suck at wooing women. As the film comes to an end I was pleasantly surprised that this film had so many laughs. Well at times it can be childish like Chris getting into slap fights with his brother or Chris having to wear a retainer it has more successful jokes then fails.

Director Roger Krumble is no stranger to romantic comedies (The Sweetest Thing). He brings a much more polished finished product in this one. What he does well is disguise a romantic comedy inside of this film making it fun for most people. He also brought together a fantastic cast that gets the most out of this funny script (Adam Davis). The jokes come at frequent intervals and the odd situations that arise cover so many different areas that this will have a broad appeal. Well at times this film does stray with too much slapstick and dumb high school nostalgia it always is an easy watch.

I give this movie a recommendation but especially to romantic comedy lovers. Stick around for the end credits also to see Ryan Reynolds singing I Swear by All 4 One. It should not be missed and yes I was singing along while it was happening.

T Factor + If you like Ryan Reynolds as an actor this could score higher on the rating scale.

T Factor – If you do not like romantic comedies this could score lower on the rating scale.

If you liked this film reel recommendations: Hitch, Van Wilder.

Zombie Strippers

Zombie Strippers

2008

Comedy (Action, Horror, Zombie)

Rated: R

Running Time: 94 minutes

Starring: Jenna Jameson, Robert Englund

Directed By: Jay Lee

Rating: 0.5 out of 10

Outline

A zombie outbreak occurs at an illegal strip club changing the strippers into zombie strippers.

Review

For people who might think I made up the title to this movie, I assure you it is valid. This movie got passed to me for review and I said why not. I like zombies and I like strippers, so what a genius thing to combine the two. What seems like gold on paper is anything but in reality. Zombie Strippers is the story of a scientifically engineered reanimation virus that gets introduced accidentally into the world. The virus makes its way to an illegal strip club, where it wreaks havoc on the girls dancing there.  

So the film commences and it is clear this is a 2 dollar operation catering only to people looking for cheap/low budget horror. We are introduced to the zombies and they are nothing to write home about. They are passable, but are more laughable in design and conception then scary.  It has an uneventful start where an army platoon clears out a laboratory of the infected populace. This will really tell you all you need to know about this film. That being the special effects are terrible, the acting is terrible, the comedy is groan inducing, and the women will be scantily clad. As the film makes its way to the illegal strip club, it does not promise to get any better. For what seems like an eternity, girl after girl gets onto the stage and strips for a rabid male audience. Then the feature stripper Kat gets bitten by a zombie and you would think that would change the story a little. It doesn’t really change it at all though. Zombie strippers start climbing on stage to do their stripping routines and the crowd still loves it. This film will literally make you want to jab a fork into your eye repeatedly. The strippers dance and then consume someone from the audience. They dance some more and then eat more people. The film never gets any deeper then stripping and flesh consumption.

The acting is on a whole new level of bad. The lead character played by Jenna Jameson, brings her acting chops over from the pornography world and clearly shares her talents with everyone in this film. You can almost picture the scripts being held in the actors hands as they interact and deliver truly god awful dialogue. If you think Robert Englund (Freddy Krueger fame) was going to make this film respectable, then guess again. He was amongst the worst in this as a slimy illegal strip club operator. Some of the actresses are pretty and that is the only kind thing I will say about this film.

The film clearly bites off more than it can chew (sorry for that line). People having their throats ripped out, jaws split asunder, and skulls torn open is all good in theory, but without the budget it is just awful to watch. The humor is terribly blended with the gore making this film almost impossible to finish. When the zombie strippers are not on stage they would be bickering amongst themselves. The living interact with the dead (These zombies could talk) and everyone is fine with that. Eventually all hell breaks loose and the zombie strippers fight the living as well as each other. The finest scene of the movie has a zombie stripper producing helicopter type winds as she spins on a pole to combat another zombie stripper firing pool balls out of her private parts. What I just described should lead you to decide if the film is for you or not. When the end of the film finally arrives it just made me want to watch Shaun of the Dead again to restore my faith in the genre.

Director and writer Jay Lee might know what he is doing but I just don’t understand it. He failed on every aspect. Casting, dialogue, action sequences, special effects, and humor. I gave this movie a .5 not because it was earned. I just couldn’t bring myself to give it a zero when the main theme is stripping. I know there is an audience for this film, I just hope it is not someone who reads my blog on a regular basis.

I cannot recommend this film as it takes bad to a whole new level.

T Factor + If you like low budget horror this could score higher on the rating scale.

T Factor – None

If you liked this film reel recommendations:  Troll Hunter, S.I.C.K